This is something I never believed I'd hear again. It is something that brings me to my knees in humility, joy and absolute awe.
............the first sounds of my baby's heartbeats.
Yes, I am eight weeks pregnant and I am finding it hard to believe, after I had made peace with letting go of the pursuit of babies, that the Lord has seen fit to use me once again to bring forth precious life. This last week was one where, due to loss of all pregnancy symptoms for days, I was resigned to the fact that once again, I had lost yet another pregnancy. It would be a repeat performance of my loss of twins, symptom-wise. I had even made an appointment to see the OB tomorrow to see what course of action I would need to take in order to end this failed pregnancy safely. My heart was heavy but I knew that there were children and adoption papers to tend to. I was content to know that this was where the Lord had decided he wanted my focus to be. All hope had not been lost...just a change of perspective.
On Friday, my rental doppler arrived in the mail. It saddened me to see it as I knew I would have to send it back without even opening it....so it just sat there unopened and out of sight. Saturday night, I was cleaning up and came across the box again and decided that maybe if I tried to listen, I could at least tell if there were placental sounds and maybe how far gone the pregnancy really was. So I locked my bedroom door and laid down to listen to nothing. I rooted around for about a minute and heard nothing when all of the sudden......I heard a galloping of heart beats that were way too quick to be my own. How could this be? I was supposed to be miscarrying! No morning sickness ? Heartbeats! I began to cry and then I wanted others to listen too...but I had locked my bedroom door and was stuck lying in my bed with the doppler sensor resting precariously on the exact tiniest of spots helplessly calling out "Hey! I hear heartbeats.....someone?? Anyone?? Hello??" My calls went unheard and I ended up suiting up and running down the hall yelling "I heard a heartbeat!! I heard a heartbeat!!!" A majority of my family didn't even know that I was pregnant, so this was how it was announced...by my maniacal re-stating of the fact that there was indeed a heartbeat!! Joy, complete and utter joy!
My close friends have asked me whether we would still be adopting.
Our boys still need us and we still want them with all our hearts. They are part of our family and a precious baby will not change this. I was afraid that our adoption agency would have issues with my pregnancy and adopting, but when I told them, they were overjoyed and more than willing to work with us. Whew!
Hearing the heartbeat has been like finding out I am pregnant all over again. I am overwhelmed with absolute gratitude and awe. This is all so amazing......this is more than I have ever imagined. I still need to soak all of this in. I am on cloud nine. Amazing...just amazing.