Tuesday, June 14, 2011

A Call To Prayer For Hurting Friends.

An urgent request for prayer. I should have done this sooner but didn't recognize this as an avenue to ask. But nevertheless, I desperately ask.

Please refer to this blog for the full story:


In a nutshell, they have gone to Ukraine to adopt and retrieve twin sisters. They are still there as I type. The adoptive process went well all the way until they reached Ukrainian soil. They arrived to an orphanage director who claimed that the girls did not know of the adoption and were visiting with their grandmother who would be very upset at learning of the attempt to have them adopted. All of this turned out to be untrue except for the grandmother part. She is very upset. She is determined to keep them to herself and looks as though she might be successful.

Through several instances of contact, while the McCoy's have been in Ukraine, the grandmother has been able to sway, scare and lie to the sisters about the intent of the McCoy's adopting them. No one knows what has been said, but the sisters are apparently not interested anymore in being adopted. The grandmother has stated she will file for guardianship....even though she has no means to support them. I am telling too much at the risk of possibly not telling of the situation correctly. Go to the blog.

The McCoys have been amazing throughout all of this and realize that God's plans are always good. But they are human too and I believe their hurt is big and deep over this issue. There is a slim chance that they may be able to bring these sisters home.

Please pray how you feel led for them. I can't imagine being in their shoes, but I have been amazed and inspired by their perspective on the whole situation. Please pray for continued comfort, peace and a discernment of when to fight and when to give up. Please pray that God is glorified throughout all of this....as I know this would be their desire as well.

Thank you for interceding on their behalf. I know that they would thank you too.

Wednesday, June 08, 2011

Back In The Saddle.

We are back to where we were when I started this blog. We have initiated to process for a new home study that will approve us for more than one child and one that will be Hague compliant. After seeking the counsel of several adoption agencies and social workers familiar with international adoption, it has become clear that adopting just one racially different child into our large family would most likely be overwhelming and alienating to them. A sibling set has been strongly advised for our family. It just makes sense.

We have our attention on a sibling set of three, ages 7 (m),6(f) and 4(m). My husband and I are praying about whether we should go for it. It is more than we planned. And as excited as I am in thinking about the possibility.....I am scared. Can we really do this? Are we being called to do this? I can't seem to discern whether I am hearing God to do it, or my sense of caution is from the enemy....or is it from God? It's like I am walking in a house of spiritual mirrors. Prayer will have to be our GPS on this one.

Here's what I
do know. If these exact same children were on our doorstep needing our family, we would take them, no questions asked and no second guessing. So, what makes this different? The money? A little. It's not cheap. The fact that there is more of a choice of children? Yes.

It's the choice.

Having children plopped on your doorstep asking for a family is so painfully obvious that the Lord is calling you to act....courageously and graciously. God's will for you screams in this scenario. But when you are sitting at the computer looking at a bunch of photo listings....how do you know??? What if you make the wrong choice? Is any orphan really a wrong choice in the Lord's eyes? There are
sooooo many. It is too much like shopping, that the discomfort about this is felt at a gut level. You'd almost rather someone choose for you. That way, it would feel like it was meant to be...like you were being chosen instead of you doing the choosing. The burden of choice is heavier, especially if you do not trust your own.

I guess I thought I would look at a photo of a waiting child and instantly know.... What a high expectation to put on a couple of photos. What an unreal expectation to put on a child to be able to catch a family's eye with the perfect pose or expression. With international adoption, so much of it is like a blind date.......or an arranged marriage where the couple meets for the first time moments before the ceremony that binds them for life.

Then there are the logistics of it all. We would have to get a new van! A fifteen passenger van
OR if I were actually set loose to choose, I would choose a lip stick-red16-18 passenger airport shuttle. You heard me right...not a Porche but an airport shuttle....with a pin stripe down the sides to make it look like it had some moxy. Oh, you say flames might look better? I agree. Flames it is! My husband actually caught me looking for one of these babies online and, with a panic laced voice, requested I stop looking, immediately. The idea will grow on him....just wait. I actually day dream about what our HOA would have to say about our cherry-red, hot flaming 16 seater beached in our driveway. In my fold out lawn chair, with one arm rest missing, I will be waiting for that letter to arrive that will contain all the restrictions we have violated with the purchase of our new beast...and I will frame it.

Now, that would be living.

I love the feeling of knowing that eventually new life will be invited into our home to live out the rest of childhood with us. I love that I have a husband that is open to the "big-
ness" of it all, and oh, it is big. It's life changing for all involved.

Please pray for this whole process. Pray for the children that will be coming to our family and pray that we are sensitive and obedient to all of God's what's, when's, wheres and
who's. The "why" was left out because sometimes with God, it's just none of my business. So, dear friends, thank you so much for being on this journey with us....I so covet your prayers, encouragement and your friendship. I'll update you soon regarding our decision on the sibling set of three.

Good night.

Thursday, June 02, 2011

I Am Still Here.

I Am Still Here.

This is what I heard one late night while driving recently. It wasn't a voice necessarily but a loud thought interrupting my own thoughts, my mindless chatter. The next night, I also was out late running errands and again heard a voice/thought saying,

I Am Still Here.

I knew what it meant. It gave me peace. It assured me. It was a no-brainer. This has been spoken to me everyday of my life only to fall on deaf ears. But for once, years of my selfish desires have become impossible to fulfill and my dreams are now seemingly unreachable. And it is in this place where I really heard Him. I have been stripped of everything I thought was important only to hear the most important thing.

I Am Still Here.

Oh Lord. I am sorry. I am so sorry it's taken me this long to release my death grip on things that relentlessly tore at my commitment to you. It's like I have been voluntarily tone deaf all of my life and now I finally can hear the notes. Sing me your song now Lord. I promise I will listen.

You know, I will be honest. My death grip.


Having babies has been one of the biggest highlights of my life. I refused to ever think there would ever be a time that I could not bear children. Foolish, I know, but I just could not bring myself to think of the grief I would experience once this stage of life came calling uninvited, to my door. There was this feeling that I would not be able to survive the sadness of it all. Fleeing the inevitable grief took its form in many ways including, but not limited to, exercising, constantly looking at older woman who birthed babies as proof I deserved it too, an impeccable diet, and prayers that were, in reality, deals with God. If I believed and did all these things, He would give me a baby and I would be the first woman to bypass menopause (not really...but kinda :) I would be unique and defeat the inevitable.

Here is what I have learned.

I am not unique. I can not defeat the inevitable. I believed the lie and suffered. I learned again that God is unique and God did defeat the inevitable. I have miscarried and looked at numerous negative pregnancy tests. Really, these last few months of trying for a baby, only to come up with nothing, probably has been the best thing for me.

Painful, yes. Deadly, no. Freeing, definitely.

I am not white-knuckling it anymore and my death grip on this issue is slowly loosening......and I am still alive. When I see that I have sprouted more gray hair and several more smile creases, instead of being afraid that I am that much closer to not having anymore children, I find myself feeling thankful that the Lord has allowed the health for my body to give me so many. When I grab that rare chocolate covered doughnut, that I have only eyed from afar in the past, I enjoy it instead of fretting that with every luscious mouthful it might hinder my chances of conceiving
another baby. Oh how ugly it is to admit how this desire sapped me of so much joy and filled me with so much fear. I believed the lies being whispered by the enemy, "You will never again have this much joy once you can not bear children anymore." "You will be worth nothing when this is over." and "Once you can't have children anymore, it means you are old...and no one likes old people." I am sure there are many more lies I believed along these lines but these were the most prominent.

So now I am embarking on what the enemy swore I could not live through....and I am alive and well. Like going through detox from drug addiction, I am getting clean and things seem more vibrant and in focus. And I can finally hear these words that have been spoken so often but were drowned out by the white noise of my fears:

I Am Still Here.