We are back to where we were when I started this blog. We have initiated to process for a new home study that will approve us for more than one child and one that will be Hague compliant. After seeking the counsel of several adoption agencies and social workers familiar with international adoption, it has become clear that adopting just one racially different child into our large family would most likely be overwhelming and alienating to them. A sibling set has been strongly advised for our family. It just makes sense.
We have our attention on a sibling set of three, ages 7 (m),6(f) and 4(m). My husband and I are praying about whether we should go for it. It is more than we planned. And as excited as I am in thinking about the possibility.....I am scared. Can we really do this? Are we being called to do this? I can't seem to discern whether I am hearing God to do it, or my sense of caution is from the enemy....or is it from God? It's like I am walking in a house of spiritual mirrors. Prayer will have to be our GPS on this one.
Here's what I do know. If these exact same children were on our doorstep needing our family, we would take them, no questions asked and no second guessing. So, what makes this different? The money? A little. It's not cheap. The fact that there is more of a choice of children? Yes.
It's the choice.
Having children plopped on your doorstep asking for a family is so painfully obvious that the Lord is calling you to act....courageously and graciously. God's will for you screams in this scenario. But when you are sitting at the computer looking at a bunch of photo listings....how do you know??? What if you make the wrong choice? Is any orphan really a wrong choice in the Lord's eyes? There are sooooo many. It is too much like shopping, that the discomfort about this is felt at a gut level. You'd almost rather someone choose for you. That way, it would feel like it was meant to be...like you were being chosen instead of you doing the choosing. The burden of choice is heavier, especially if you do not trust your own.
I guess I thought I would look at a photo of a waiting child and instantly know.... What a high expectation to put on a couple of photos. What an unreal expectation to put on a child to be able to catch a family's eye with the perfect pose or expression. With international adoption, so much of it is like a blind date.......or an arranged marriage where the couple meets for the first time moments before the ceremony that binds them for life.
Then there are the logistics of it all. We would have to get a new van! A fifteen passenger van OR if I were actually set loose to choose, I would choose a lip stick-red16-18 passenger airport shuttle. You heard me right...not a Porche but an airport shuttle....with a pin stripe down the sides to make it look like it had some moxy. Oh, you say flames might look better? I agree. Flames it is! My husband actually caught me looking for one of these babies online and, with a panic laced voice, requested I stop looking, immediately. The idea will grow on him....just wait. I actually day dream about what our HOA would have to say about our cherry-red, hot flaming 16 seater beached in our driveway. In my fold out lawn chair, with one arm rest missing, I will be waiting for that letter to arrive that will contain all the restrictions we have violated with the purchase of our new beast...and I will frame it.
Now, that would be living.
I love the feeling of knowing that eventually new life will be invited into our home to live out the rest of childhood with us. I love that I have a husband that is open to the "big-ness" of it all, and oh, it is big. It's life changing for all involved.
Please pray for this whole process. Pray for the children that will be coming to our family and pray that we are sensitive and obedient to all of God's what's, when's, wheres and who's. The "why" was left out because sometimes with God, it's just none of my business. So, dear friends, thank you so much for being on this journey with us....I so covet your prayers, encouragement and your friendship. I'll update you soon regarding our decision on the sibling set of three.