Thursday, June 02, 2011

I Am Still Here.

I Am Still Here.

This is what I heard one late night while driving recently. It wasn't a voice necessarily but a loud thought interrupting my own thoughts, my mindless chatter. The next night, I also was out late running errands and again heard a voice/thought saying,

I Am Still Here.

I knew what it meant. It gave me peace. It assured me. It was a no-brainer. This has been spoken to me everyday of my life only to fall on deaf ears. But for once, years of my selfish desires have become impossible to fulfill and my dreams are now seemingly unreachable. And it is in this place where I really heard Him. I have been stripped of everything I thought was important only to hear the most important thing.

I Am Still Here.

Oh Lord. I am sorry. I am so sorry it's taken me this long to release my death grip on things that relentlessly tore at my commitment to you. It's like I have been voluntarily tone deaf all of my life and now I finally can hear the notes. Sing me your song now Lord. I promise I will listen.

You know, I will be honest. My death grip.

Babies.

Having babies has been one of the biggest highlights of my life. I refused to ever think there would ever be a time that I could not bear children. Foolish, I know, but I just could not bring myself to think of the grief I would experience once this stage of life came calling uninvited, to my door. There was this feeling that I would not be able to survive the sadness of it all. Fleeing the inevitable grief took its form in many ways including, but not limited to, exercising, constantly looking at older woman who birthed babies as proof I deserved it too, an impeccable diet, and prayers that were, in reality, deals with God. If I believed and did all these things, He would give me a baby and I would be the first woman to bypass menopause (not really...but kinda :) I would be unique and defeat the inevitable.

Here is what I have learned.

I am not unique. I can not defeat the inevitable. I believed the lie and suffered. I learned again that God is unique and God did defeat the inevitable. I have miscarried and looked at numerous negative pregnancy tests. Really, these last few months of trying for a baby, only to come up with nothing, probably has been the best thing for me.

Painful, yes. Deadly, no. Freeing, definitely.

I am not white-knuckling it anymore and my death grip on this issue is slowly loosening......and I am still alive. When I see that I have sprouted more gray hair and several more smile creases, instead of being afraid that I am that much closer to not having anymore children, I find myself feeling thankful that the Lord has allowed the health for my body to give me so many. When I grab that rare chocolate covered doughnut, that I have only eyed from afar in the past, I enjoy it instead of fretting that with every luscious mouthful it might hinder my chances of conceiving
another baby. Oh how ugly it is to admit how this desire sapped me of so much joy and filled me with so much fear. I believed the lies being whispered by the enemy, "You will never again have this much joy once you can not bear children anymore." "You will be worth nothing when this is over." and "Once you can't have children anymore, it means you are old...and no one likes old people." I am sure there are many more lies I believed along these lines but these were the most prominent.

So now I am embarking on what the enemy swore I could not live through....and I am alive and well. Like going through detox from drug addiction, I am getting clean and things seem more vibrant and in focus. And I can finally hear these words that have been spoken so often but were drowned out by the white noise of my fears:

I Am Still Here.

8 comments:

  1. You are still here... and very loved.

    (((hugs)))

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wow, Thea! I could have wrote that post! I have been wondering lately about my obsession with having another. Is it because I am afraid of the next season of my life? Of growing old? I think it is. All I have known is having babies and nursing and having more babies and being in a state of constant movement with all the activity of little ones. What do I do now??
    I am not prepared for this, but I know it will happen because that is the way Our Lord had ordained it to happen.
    I look at old people and think that is me soon, because I look at young people and see that they are the age of my older children.It all happened in a blink of an eye and I was caught unaware!!
    I am glad to hear that you are coming to terms with God's plan and hopefully I am not far behind you in finding that peace.
    God bless, Christina

    ReplyDelete
  3. There are many of us who can relate to this post. God also used my (in the 40's infertility) to humble me and realize that His path is the one I need to follow and not 'white-knuckle' the path I wanted. It's still not easy on some days but that too is another exercise in faith and listening to that voice saying, "I am still here." Thanks for the reminder and so nice to know someone as wonderful as you travelling the same road!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Praying for you friend! FYI there is more freedom to come! I'm enjoying my babies getting bigger, you'll still be needed, and I pray you'll look forward to times with your husband instead of your kiddos. God is faithful. We can trust Him!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Loving you from Ukraine! I'll be seeing you soon :) Inspiring post, and I am glad to hear that you are hearing from Him. Enjoy those doughnuts!

    ReplyDelete
  6. You speak my heart, sweet friend. It is the point we will all reach. Coming to find my identity in the Lord and the crutch...or mask... of childbearing being stripped from me was one of the deepest, most life altering events I have experienced...along with being completely stripped of the pride I possessed in "parenting well". I hope that once childbearing is truly over that I can handle it with the grace and knowledge of what he taught me during that season of desperation. Oh to know Him to those depths...to see Him for who He really is and be stripepd of the impurities of self that continually obscure the view and hinder the voice of Him!! To be brought to the end of self to know Him to such greater depths. Absolute freedom. Joy. And the ability to see Him clearly when self has been stripped away.I love you. I love your heart and the honesty and purity with which you speak. I am forevever in awe that God has placed you within my life and how He continually keeps us walking the road together.

    ReplyDelete
  7. My Beloved Thea,

    Thank you so much for your honesty and sincere heart. God is their at all times and sometimes we hear Him and sometimes we don't. This time you hear Him. God has so graciously given you such wonderful children whom will end up growing with you, loving on you, fighting with you, joking around with you and playing with you. You are such a great mom who loves her kids. Now, wait and see what God has planned for you, your hubby and your children in the future. There is nothing that God doesn't know. He is the master of changing hearts. Praise God with whom all blessings flow. Love, Alicia

    ReplyDelete
  8. You are still Wonder Woman trying to jump over the muddy puddle at El Dorado Park -- love you so much!

    ReplyDelete