Thursday, June 21, 2012
Going Into The Turn
I'm sure you have all had this feeling at one time or the other.....you know, when you go into a turn a little faster than you had anticipated (whether you be driving, roller skating, being chased by someone, on a roller coaster, etc...). There comes a point when you just don't know if you're gonna make it out of the turn or if you're going to be flung out of control by the strength of the centrifugal force whispering death threats in your ear. The fear and/or exhilaration of this moment is enough to send you out of your mind.
That's where I am.
Every moment of each day.
Is it too soon to see proof that things will be ok? Or am I just being foolish?
The adoption of my two boys, Ephrem and Anteneh has sent me into a realm that I have never been. It is uncharted territory. As much as I am committed to these boys and as much as I love them, I do not know them. This takes time. They have our undying commitment but I now I hunger for knowledge of their hearts. I have continued to read adoption books, only to turn my head away gasping from all the horror stories. It's more than I can take right now. Because what it translates into is me looking for evidence of potential issues....searching for trouble. The current book I am reading is Brothers and Sisters in Adoption by Arieta James. It is a thorough and comprehensive book regarding the risks of adoption. And littered throughout the book are quotes from siblings about their feelings on the adoption of another sibling into the family. It's enough to make a parent cry pools of tears laden with guilt. It's enough to convince someone never to risk helping a child in need....ever. It's enough to be flung out of the turn in the curve of adoption.
I have prayed everyday for the Lord to show me otherwise. And he has been so faithful. Everyday, I see a light in my boys' eyes telling me the Lord has spared their hearts and minds from their past. These boys are retrievable. Please don't get me wrong, they have been injured and they will remember and grieve.....I am just saying that everyday I think I see evidence that their spirits have defied the odds and survived.
Everyday, little Anteneh has shown me that he hungers for communion with me physically and emotionally. Yesterday, I was singing while cleaning gum off his dirty little hands. And out of the corner of my eye, I could see him studying me intently as if he were about to make a big decision. I could actually feel the burn of his gaze. He then called to me "Ma Ma" and he continued to "find" other spots that had invisible gum needing to be cleaned off. And of course, I cleaned them off with an overflowing heart. He is letting me be his Mom. We're making the turn.
And I thanked God.
Ephrem is such a gentle boy. It is obvious to me he has an understanding of things way beyond his years.....a deepness I hope to fathom one day. He leans into me whenever I explain something to him....I love this. Yet, I've seen this serious boy light up at the opportunity to play in a kiddie pool for hours trying to teach himself to swim. A true survivor. I can see his trust in us grow everyday. After wearing a long sleeve shirt every day and every night, even when it is blazing hot, he finally accepted my offer of a short sleeve shirt to sleep in. He was finally comfortable enough to expose his hand-less arm......victory. Just another sign that he feels accepted and at home. We're making the turn.
And I thanked God.
To some of you seasoned veterans of adoption, I wonder if you are shaking your head and thinking "She's in for a big surprise.....she hasn't seen noth'n yet." I leave room, actually a canyon, for this to be entirely true. I am such a newbie at all of this. Books are doing me no favors right now, if anything I think they are causing undue stress and fear. What I could really use are adoptive parents who have gone into the turn and made it. Nikki, my sweet evil twin, I would be lost without you, your experience and your wisdom! I am so thankful for the friends that I do have that have four wheeled through the jagged turns of the adoptive process.
So this is where I am. I am an adoptive Mom being blown about with the uncertainty of not really knowing if what I am seeing is true or a mirage. I am clinging to every shred of evidence that things are really as good as they seem. This is when I know that I need to sit with my Sweet Lord and have a good pow-wow. AND this is the only way I know that I can pull out of a turn and be victorious.