Reckless

Yesterday a friend contacted me and informed me that the sisters' photos were on RainbowKids.com. As quick as I could, I rushed home to view them....my first look. I soaked the sight of them in like water to dry soil. I fell in love with them the moment I saw them. I lived a lifetime in just several minutes after seeing them. I could envision time spent with them, schooling, swimming, saying goodnight, crying, seeing bed head, laughing and finding our way through to their hearts, however long it took. I saw it. I dreamed of the first moment where they would claim us, too, via a held hand, a calmed fear or the fist time a need is satiated and their relaxed posture and eyes reflect it. They were mine.

I am reckless.

Before I said good bye to the day, I signed on one last time to take another look at those precious faces. They were gone. They had been pulled and replaced with a notice that said they were in the process of being placed. My heart leaped as I was certain that they had been pulled due the interest we had expressed and the eagerness our placement agency showed in wanting to place them with our family. I went to bed on cloud nine knowing that I would get an amazing phone call the next day telling us wonderful news.

I did get a phone call but it was not what I had expected. It was our adoption agency telling us that the adoptive mother had already chosen another family without the agency's knowledge. I was shocked as was the agency. In my heart I felt it was a sure thing. I was told by the director that they really didn't feel that this placement created by the adoptive mother would pan out and would I be willing to wait on the sidelines when it fell through. Of course I would......I felt like a deflated balloon, no air left, not even enough to breath for the moment. Of course I would.

Through these situations, I feel the Lord trying to pry me open. I can hear the cracking. I feel he wants my eyes and possibilities to open even wider in regards to who we would be willing to adopt and when. We are now open to things we weren't before....like breaking birth order...like adopting within the US, HIV, siblings, older children. We are being broken in. The Lord does not want to work with our perceived wants and limitations....just his possibilities. In this respect I can not claim to know him very well. I never know what to expect. I am learning not to plan or expect anything but be open to everything. As a result, I am making sure we are paper ready for anything should the circumstance arise so we can move quickly.

My husband and good friend both said the identical words to me today after finding out that "our girls" weren't our girls. They both said, "God is getting us ready for something really big.". I sure hope so.....it is so hard to wait and feel like I am doing nothing when there is so much to be done....so many children to love. Somewhere, there are children that need us....and we need them.

How foolish I am for getting attached so quickly.

I'd do it again if I had the chance...

But such is the way with Moms. Such is the way with me. I jump and risk all at a moment's notice, especially for a child. The skinned knees from this must be worth it, because I always keep getting back up.

My gut says this one's not over yet.