Tuesday, March 01, 2011


Perspective. When I am emotional, this word is highly overrated.

Perspective. When I want something so bad, this word has no meaning.
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Perspective. Without it, God is forgotten and my wants rule.

As all of you now know (and if you don't, pl
ease refer to the post "The Price Of Being United"), that my husband and I have put the adoptive process temporarily on hold to try to have another baby of our own. If the Lord does not bless us with a pregnancy by July, then we will feel that God has spoken and we'll move on to having God bless us through adoptions. My husband, wanting another bio-child, felt that the window of opportunity to adopt was much larger than having another of our own. If we do end up pregnant, then we will still be blessed through adoption by pursuing it several months after our blessing is born. My sweet husband did not want to do both at the same time....he is not as crazy as I am.

I will be honest. It is hard to keep perspective when trying to conceive. When trying to obtain something more than you currently have, it is so easy to lose sight of the blessings you already have. I have just found out
that this month did not yield a positive pregnancy test after our first month of trying. Tears were shed and I pitied myself. I am ashamed to type this as my nine healthy children romp and play around me. "How dare I." a little enemy voice admonishes me. As I think of friends that could not have children and/or have suffered miscarriage after miscarriage, I often feel there is no room for me to feel bad for not being blessed more in this area. It is an internal conflict with which I wrestle. I am blessed and it is so easy to lose sight of this when reaching and hoping for more.

I come from a history flowered with easy to
achieve pregnancies with no complications. Can I tell you how much I have loved and treasured this time in my life....admittedly, almost to idol proportions? When I am pregnant, I feel so close to the Lord by the very fact He is using me, a hopelessly flawed soul, to move forward with His creation in the likeness of a precious, doe-eyed, messy, cooing and scrumptuously pudgy life that is formed in His image.

Oh, the thrill of holding, for the first time, a child covered in protective goop, gasping for their first few breaths of air.


To feel the kicks and display the warm glow of life and hope unseen.

Like heroin.....

I am addicted to the miracle of it all. I have basked unashamedly in this amazing era.......I
never want to let it go. And my heart is breaking, because at the age of 42 and with every potential one-lined pregnancy test, I am wondering if it will be time to do so. I am so sorry if this all seems offensive, and out of poor taste, to have the blessing of so many, but act as if I've never had any.......but, crap, it is what it is. It is quite possible that the end of a season is at hand and this is hard to face. I looked at this period of my wonderful life like most people view their eventual death "It will never happen to me." It is inevitable and one day I pray for the grace to embrace the next phase of life.

But here is what is keeping my head above water. God is in control.

Even if the Lord chooses not to move forward biologically with us, we will seek Him to move forward with adoption. This excites me to no end. This is a wonderful painkiller to seek to glorify Him with adoptions. I know with every thing that I am, that our family is not supposed to end here. Whether it be with with negative or positive pregnancy tests or an adoption miracle, I will be at peace and trust that this is how it is the way it's supposed to go. This is my perspective.......for today. :)


  1. Oh Thea we need to talk. Seriously! God has had me in His refining fire and one layer of it has been this issue. Why didn't he bless us with another biological child which was truly the desire of my heart. Why are others able to conceive in their forties but not us. (I too was a walking poster child for fertility in my thirties so I thought it would be a 'snap' so to speak). I thought I had dealt with this issue before we adopted but some circumstances have brought it all back to the surface and it's been rough working through this again. Would love to have a chat because I'm coming out on the other side of this time of refinement with, hopefully, some perspective of my own.

  2. Oh my gosh...FINALLY I find someone who feels the exact way that I do about pregnancy, giving birth, children -- I was beginning to think I was the only one!

    You...you are my kindred spirit, for sure. I am the mother to nine children. I am 41 years old and will be 42 in July. Our youngest child was born 2.5 years ago (when I had just turned 39) Since then, we have conceived twice -- but lost those little ones in the 10th and 11th week of pregnancy :( I had never miscarried before, so of course I blame my age ::::sniff, sniff:::: although I know many others have babies in their 40's...so why not me?

    I have had the comments, "Oh, just be thankful for the children that you have..."

    WHY do people say that? As if I'm NOT thankful? What...am I being greedy just because I'm open to having more children?

    I have also had the comment (after my miscarriages) that "maybe God is trying to tell you something..."

    Really? Is that how God does things? He gives me a baby and then takes it away to prove a point? Um, I really don't think so.

    Like you, I am addicted to the miracle of it all. Is it wrong of me to not want for it to be over? Unlike many, many of my friends, I have never had that "I'm done!" feeling after that "last child" -- call me crazy, but....

    I don't want for it to be over!
    I love it so much!
    The pregnancies...
    Giving birth... (have never had a complication, easy births..the last 3 at home, in water!)
    The newborn stage...
    Having a new baby in the house...
    A baby on my hip...
    Watching my children love on their newest sibling...
    Watching a toddler trying to keep up with his/her older siblings...
    Sleeping with my newborns...
    Sleeping with my infants....
    (and okay, to be honest...sleeping with my 2 year olds!)

    My husband and I just LOVE everything about having babies. They truly are blessings. Children are so much FUN.

    Anyway, I saw your blog listed on the Mega Families website, so I thought I'd come on over and say hello. You can visit us at www.theyallcallmemom.com

    I wish you the best of luck (luck?) getting pregnant -- what I mean by that is that I understand all that you are feeling, and I will pray that the Lord blesses you soon!