Perspective. When I am emotional, this word is highly overrated.
Perspective. When I want something so bad, this word has no meaning.
Perspective. Without it, God is forgotten and my wants rule.
As all of you now know (and if you don't, please refer to the post "The Price Of Being United"), that my husband and I have put the adoptive process temporarily on hold to try to have another baby of our own. If the Lord does not bless us with a pregnancy by July, then we will feel that God has spoken and we'll move on to having God bless us through adoptions. My husband, wanting another bio-child, felt that the window of opportunity to adopt was much larger than having another of our own. If we do end up pregnant, then we will still be blessed through adoption by pursuing it several months after our blessing is born. My sweet husband did not want to do both at the same time....he is not as crazy as I am.
I will be honest. It is hard to keep perspective when trying to conceive. When trying to obtain something more than you currently have, it is so easy to lose sight of the blessings you already have. I have just found out that this month did not yield a positive pregnancy test after our first month of trying. Tears were shed and I pitied myself. I am ashamed to type this as my nine healthy children romp and play around me. "How dare I." a little enemy voice admonishes me. As I think of friends that could not have children and/or have suffered miscarriage after miscarriage, I often feel there is no room for me to feel bad for not being blessed more in this area. It is an internal conflict with which I wrestle. I am blessed and it is so easy to lose sight of this when reaching and hoping for more.
I come from a history flowered with easy to achieve pregnancies with no complications. Can I tell you how much I have loved and treasured this time in my life....admittedly, almost to idol proportions? When I am pregnant, I feel so close to the Lord by the very fact He is using me, a hopelessly flawed soul, to move forward with His creation in the likeness of a precious, doe-eyed, messy, cooing and scrumptuously pudgy life that is formed in His image.
Oh, the thrill of holding, for the first time, a child covered in protective goop, gasping for their first few breaths of air.
To feel the kicks and display the warm glow of life and hope unseen.
I am addicted to the miracle of it all. I have basked unashamedly in this amazing era.......I never want to let it go. And my heart is breaking, because at the age of 42 and with every potential one-lined pregnancy test, I am wondering if it will be time to do so. I am so sorry if this all seems offensive, and out of poor taste, to have the blessing of so many, but act as if I've never had any.......but, crap, it is what it is. It is quite possible that the end of a season is at hand and this is hard to face. I looked at this period of my wonderful life like most people view their eventual death "It will never happen to me." It is inevitable and one day I pray for the grace to embrace the next phase of life.
But here is what is keeping my head above water. God is in control.
Even if the Lord chooses not to move forward biologically with us, we will seek Him to move forward with adoption. This excites me to no end. This is a wonderful painkiller to seek to glorify Him with adoptions. I know with every thing that I am, that our family is not supposed to end here. Whether it be with with negative or positive pregnancy tests or an adoption miracle, I will be at peace and trust that this is how it is the way it's supposed to go. This is my perspective.......for today. :)