Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Left Behind?

I called our adoption agency today. The waiting has been so hard and the dead line to hear about a court date has come and almost gone. I can not travel past my 36th week of pregnancy and I am now officially 30 weeks pregnant. If we were to hear of a court this week, the actual court date (aka travel time) would be 4-6 weeks from being notified of the court date. We were told two weeks ago that our file was just moments away from being submitted to court but that they were waiting for the children's birth certificates to be delivered the next day. As of today, this "guy" has not showed up to deliver these documents to complete our file. I was told that each time they inquired as to why he had not shown up with these papers, that he reported not feeling well or he didn't have time. This is a cultural "difference" that doesn't make sense to me. No one seems to know what the hold up is.

The hold up.

The reason I can't go has rested
solely on this one person who can't seem to get their shtick together. Are there not others who can do this? I just don't get it. The motivation (or lack thereof) of one solitary person is the reason I won't be able to hug my boys and look into their eyes and tell them face to face that their family is waiting for them back home.

Sorry to sound like such a downer, but crap, I am just plain discouraged. I guess there still is the minute possibility I will still be able to go but my hope is drained down to the last drop as days pass and my belly grows with this squirming blessing of a life. There are no regrets, just the hope that I could do and see everything....that I could see, touch and embrace our boys.

Steve will have to go solo and I desperately want to
Velcro myself to his body and go with him. I wanted to do this together with him. I wanted to be able to exchange knowing looks with him as we met our boys for the first time and then talk late into the night comparing mental notes. I wanted to share the awe of all that God has done as we embraced our boys. I wanted this to be something we talked about when we grew old with words like "Remember how tiny they were?" or "Remember how much we did not know?" and "Remember how God's hand was in all of it?" I wanted to see our boys faces when they realized we were real. I just ache.

I wanted.......

And this is where I have to pause. This is obviously not what the Lord has called for. Most of my disappointment is encapsulated inside the words "I wanted....." And this adoption has nothing to do about what I want. There is to be a purpose to why my husband will have to meet our boys for the first time without me. These speculations about why run wild in my head. The Lord is pulling me out of the equation and as much as I don't like this, I will accept it knowing that He knows better than I. I will trust. I will believe.

I will look forward. I refuse to have regrets in this.....I have no right to. God has planned this and I will never regret His plans.

I will look forward to life with our boys. I will thank our sweet Lord that these boys have a forever family with us no matter who meets them first. I will be grateful that the Lord has blessed us so many times with children that are so amazing. I will continue to be amazed at this thriving life forming under my heart. We have hit the lottery.

No regrets.

And most of all, I will look forward to the post that communicates why this "hiccup" was all perfectly planned and a blessing in disguise.

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