Thursday, December 01, 2011

Absolutely Pointless.

Please let me warn you beforehand that this post has nothing to do with adoption or any deep "Aha" spiritual moments. In fact, this post has no redeeming value at all. I'm just going to have a little fun here.

There is a series of books (Pathway) that my seven yr. old reads to me for home schooling. It has a very "Amish" feel to it. I purchased these books at a time in parenting where I believed I could raise my children as pure as the driven snow and I thought Amish books were one of the tools I would use to raise my perfectly untainted children. As you read, you never get to see the faces of the main characters. This really gets to my kids. All the dolls are made out of cloth and wood and the boys' toys are home made trucks and wagons. Some of the situations portrayed are so pure, innocent and handled with such simple language that it brings me great make fun of. Let me be honest in saying that my inner dialogue while reading these stories is
anything by Amish, simple or pure. My children have no hope.

For example, in this book there is a boy named Peter who acquires a little puppy which he aptly names Rover. Rover is loved but eventually proves he is 100% puppy by single
handedly destroying at least one possession of every character in the book. Here is an excerpt of an unfortunate event involving Rover and Dad: The blue words are the actual word but I couldn't help but to color commentate in red.

Rover and Dad

Rover looked for something to play with. By and by he saw Dad's shoe.
(uh oh Rover)

He started to play with it. Rover played and played wi
th the shoe. Up it went and down it came. Then it went up again.
(Your future ain't look'n so bright little doggy.)
Soon Dad's shoe had a hole. But Rover still did not stop playing with it.

(about right now is when you might want to kiss your furry butt good bye.)

Dad came out of the house. He looked all around. "Where is my shoe?" he said.
(Here's a clue Amish guy: think "chew toy", your shoe and euthanasia and you'll be close.)
Then Dad saw Rover. He saw his shoe, too. "No, Rover," said Dad. "NO! NO! NO!"
(REALLY?? This is all he could think to say?? My v
ersion would be oh so-o-o- unprintable. Oh, I forgot, this guy's Amish.)
He ran at Rover.
(Hmmm. A Dog Whisperer kind of move?)

Rover did not play now.
(There is nothing like an Amish dude running after you that quells the desire to play.)
Oh, my, no! Away he ran as fast as he could.
(Rover's very first act of intelligence)

He ran to his hole under the house.
(a.k.a. future burial site)
Dad came to the hole, too. He found Rover. "You are a bad dog, Rover," he said.
(again, not the verbiage I would have chosen but I think we have already ascertained that I am not Amish nor the author of a second grade reader.)
Dad pulled Rover out of the hole. He took his shoe and did something. He did something to Rover.
(Something? SOMETHING?? Yes sir-ee he did. "S
omething" is the obvious code word for Daddy-o taking out a big can of Amish whoop--- and beating the living snot out of our little friend Rover)
Rover did not like what Dad did. (Darn toot'n) He ran into his hole again.....He was not a happy puppy.

Needless to say, Rover never played with Dad's shoes again. Lesson learned. On to the next chapter.

You know, I thought it would be interesting to relay one of our family's "discussions" through an Amish-Pathway reader kind of way. Here we go: (Now see if you can't resist going un-Amish on me and want to insert your own red commentary!)


It was a nice day. The sun was shining. It was early and Sam was making his breakfast. Sam was not a happy boy.
Sam was having a hard time being kind to other people.
Dad was up early too. Dad was singing. He was happy. Dad told Sam to do some work. Sam said some words that were not happy.
"No, no, no Sam. Do not say those words. They are not nice." said Dad. Dad talked about school. Sam did not want to talk. Dad talked about how to say nice words. Again, Sam did not want to talk.
Finally, Sam wanted to talk but he did not say good words. He said cross words. Now Dad was cross. Dad did something to Sam. Sam did not like what Dad did. He ran to his room. Dad went away. He went away to work. Sam stayed in his room. He did not want to play. He was not a happy boy.

Like Rover, there was eventually a happy ending to this story as well. I am sure any "red commentary" you mentally inserted had much truth to it and hopefully some humor to boot. Explaining things simply to me never works. I have to mess with it some how. To have written the above so simply about killed me......there is just so much more between the lines.

So...there you have it, my post with absolutely no wisdom to impart nor any edifying value. Totally and utterly pointless and I enjoyed every second of it!

Have a good day!!!

1 comment:

    You crack me up! You have such a great sense of humor!