Would You Pray?

Many of you may know....many of you may not. If you don't, you need to.

Kiril.

Just a name for those of you who don't recognize it. But it's a name of a sweet boy in Eastern Europe whose very life is hanging in the balance as I write this. Kirl needs to go home. He has a family that loves him and wants to adopt him more than life itself. Last week, a judge decided that since Kiril was a little boy with Down's Syndrome, he would be better off in an institution than with a family.

This should anger you.....and make you pound your fist on your chest in disbelief. But what you need to do is pray because, ultimately, anger is less effective than prayer.

Below is the link to Kiril's story:

http://oureyesopened.blogspot.com/

Here is the link to see the first time Kiril met his adoptive Mama:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I7LO6Tfvd3I&feature=player_embedded

This is an urgent request but not the only one. There are two other adoptive families seeking precious Down's Syndrome children that will come before this very judge to hear whether they get to bring home these children as oppose to having them waste away in a mental institution.

This is so real. Pray hard.

Reckless

Yesterday a friend contacted me and informed me that the sisters' photos were on RainbowKids.com. As quick as I could, I rushed home to view them....my first look. I soaked the sight of them in like water to dry soil. I fell in love with them the moment I saw them. I lived a lifetime in just several minutes after seeing them. I could envision time spent with them, schooling, swimming, saying goodnight, crying, seeing bed head, laughing and finding our way through to their hearts, however long it took. I saw it. I dreamed of the first moment where they would claim us, too, via a held hand, a calmed fear or the fist time a need is satiated and their relaxed posture and eyes reflect it. They were mine.

I am reckless.

Before I said good bye to the day, I signed on one last time to take another look at those precious faces. They were gone. They had been pulled and replaced with a notice that said they were in the process of being placed. My heart leaped as I was certain that they had been pulled due the interest we had expressed and the eagerness our placement agency showed in wanting to place them with our family. I went to bed on cloud nine knowing that I would get an amazing phone call the next day telling us wonderful news.

I did get a phone call but it was not what I had expected. It was our adoption agency telling us that the adoptive mother had already chosen another family without the agency's knowledge. I was shocked as was the agency. In my heart I felt it was a sure thing. I was told by the director that they really didn't feel that this placement created by the adoptive mother would pan out and would I be willing to wait on the sidelines when it fell through. Of course I would......I felt like a deflated balloon, no air left, not even enough to breath for the moment. Of course I would.

Through these situations, I feel the Lord trying to pry me open. I can hear the cracking. I feel he wants my eyes and possibilities to open even wider in regards to who we would be willing to adopt and when. We are now open to things we weren't before....like breaking birth order...like adopting within the US, HIV, siblings, older children. We are being broken in. The Lord does not want to work with our perceived wants and limitations....just his possibilities. In this respect I can not claim to know him very well. I never know what to expect. I am learning not to plan or expect anything but be open to everything. As a result, I am making sure we are paper ready for anything should the circumstance arise so we can move quickly.

My husband and good friend both said the identical words to me today after finding out that "our girls" weren't our girls. They both said, "God is getting us ready for something really big.". I sure hope so.....it is so hard to wait and feel like I am doing nothing when there is so much to be done....so many children to love. Somewhere, there are children that need us....and we need them.

How foolish I am for getting attached so quickly.

I'd do it again if I had the chance...

But such is the way with Moms. Such is the way with me. I jump and risk all at a moment's notice, especially for a child. The skinned knees from this must be worth it, because I always keep getting back up.

My gut says this one's not over yet.

Switchback.

I thought I had everything figured out.

I have a slow learning curve. This is the only thing I do have figured out.

Because for the one hundred thousandth time, I have been proven wrong. Crap. I don't even have being wrong figured out.

Most of the time, I hate being wrong....it's bad for my image. It doesn't look good with anything I wear. But there are those precious times where I am grateful for being wrong....relieved even.

Today, I am revelling in being wrong. I was wrong about losing hope. I should know by now. Like I said, slow learning curve. Last Friday, I was informed that Ethiopia was cutting back on their adoptions by 90%. This was the country from which we had wanted to adopt. This could mean years in waiting for a child to grace our family. What's even more devastating, is that this could also mean countless deaths for children who don't have time on their side. It wasn't looking good for our chances to adopt from this country. Was God even wanting us to adopt at all? Curious, I investigated other programs and even looked into adopting a waiting child from our very own state of North Carolina. Our family size restricts our ability to adopt in almost all of these situations. Again, were we really being called to adopt? Were we being called to have any more children at all? Could my heart be lying to me? Maybe I just had it all wrong....you know, chasing the wrong dream, barking up the wrong tree, going down a rabbit trail...etc.

So, to sum things up, Ethiopia was looking grim, other programs yielded the same and I had a negative pregnancy test. Fruitful thoughts weren't exactly knocking at my door begging to come in. Hope was in danger of being a casualty. Having a hard time really understanding why Ethiopia did what they did, I called our adoption agency to get a better understanding of the details. I hadn't had any contact with them since we had decided to put a hold on our adoption. The Ethiopian program director was thrilled to hear from me and informed me that I had been on her mind. In fact, our family had been the topic of conversation at the agency.

Here is why.

There are two girls. Ethiopian sisters. Their current adoptive situation is not working out and they are in need of a family.....possibly our family. We were being asked if we would consider these two sisters.

Oh gosh.

How was I going to present this to Steve? Would our older children be receptive to the idea? Was this the Lord calling us to duty? I felt certain that my husband's response would determine this.

I waited.

I asked if we could go out for coffee so we could talk. He was suspicious and kept prodding me to tell him what was up. He was wondering if I had spent too much and was attempting to ease the blow over a cup of Joe? Had one of our children done something that would require long term medication or jail time? Was Victoria Secret invited? My poor sweet tortured partner soul. We finally ended up at a Wal*Mart looking at coffee makers when I spilled the beans (no pun intended!). I could tell he was relieved it wasn't something really awful but still disappointed that Victoria Secret stood us up. He was quiet and then stated that he thought it was a "cool idea" and that we should look into it. His only concern was our oldest daughter and how she would handle the possibility of having a partner in being 12. This really was an unknown only to be met with a cheery "I'm fine with it." from our eldest daughter.

Green light so far.

We have asked the agency for more information and are now waiting. Most of the decision of where these sisters will end up is up to the adoptive mother. I have no idea what she is going through right now....I can't imagine. This is just the beginning of something potentially huge. Honestly, I just have no words right now. I had no idea this opportunity would arrive in our laps like this. Please pray for these girls, their adoptive mom and the decisions that have to be made. Pray that she has clear thinking and pray that the girls are resilient through all of this. It's a hard situation that I pray we can be an important part of easing. Please just pray.

My head is spinning and I am at a loss for words. I will keep you all updated.

Perspective

Perspective. When I am emotional, this word is highly overrated.

Perspective. When I want something so bad, this word has no meaning.

Perspective. Without it, God is forgotten and my wants rule.

As all of you now know (and if you don't, please refer to the post "The Price Of Being United"), that my husband and I have put the adoptive process temporarily on hold to try to have another baby of our own. If the Lord does not bless us with a pregnancy by July, then we will feel that God has spoken and we'll move on to having God bless us through adoptions. My husband, wanting another bio-child, felt that the window of opportunity to adopt was much larger than having another of our own. If we do end up pregnant, then we will still be blessed through adoption by pursuing it several months after our blessing is born. My sweet husband did not want to do both at the same time....he is not as crazy as I am.

I will be honest. It is hard to keep perspective when trying to conceive. When trying to obtain something more than you currently have, it is so easy to lose sight of the blessings you already have. I have just found out that this month did not yield a positive pregnancy test after our first month of trying. Tears were shed and I pitied myself. I am ashamed to type this as my nine healthy children romp and play around me. "How dare I." a little enemy voice admonishes me. As I think of friends that could not have children and/or have suffered miscarriage after miscarriage, I often feel there is no room for me to feel bad for not being blessed more in this area. It is an internal conflict with which I wrestle. I am blessed and it is so easy to lose sight of this when reaching and hoping for more.

I come from a history flowered with easy to achieve pregnancies with no complications. Can I tell you how much I have loved and treasured this time in my life....admittedly, almost to idol proportions? When I am pregnant, I feel so close to the Lord by the very fact He is using me, a hopelessly flawed soul, to move forward with His creation in the likeness of a precious, doe-eyed, messy, cooing and scrumptuously pudgy life that is formed in His image.


Oh, the thrill of holding, for the first time, a child covered in protective goop, gasping for their first few breaths of air.

Breathtaking.....



To feel the kicks and display the warm glow of life and hope unseen.

Like heroin.....


I am addicted to the miracle of it all. I have basked unashamedly in this amazing era.......I never want to let it go. And my heart is breaking, because at the age of 42 and with every potential one-lined pregnancy test, I am wondering if it will be time to do so. I am so sorry if this all seems offensive, and out of poor taste, to have the blessing of so many, but act as if I've never had any.......but, crap, it is what it is. It is quite possible that the end of a season is at hand and this is hard to face. I looked at this period of my wonderful life like most people view their eventual death "It will never happen to me." It is inevitable and one day I pray for the grace to embrace the next phase of life.

But here is what is keeping my head above water. God is in control.

Even if the Lord chooses not to move forward biologically with us, we will seek Him to move forward with adoption. This excites me to no end. This is a wonderful painkiller to seek to glorify Him with adoptions. I know with every thing that I am, that our family is not supposed to end here. Whether it be with with negative or positive pregnancy tests or an adoption miracle, I will be at peace and trust that this is how it is the way it's supposed to go. This is my perspective.......for today. :)