The Price of Being United

I could have done it. It would have been so easy.

The plan was to go to my husband's office and get the adoption service contract notarized and sent off with a very large payment of $5,000. This contract was easily 20-30 pages long and required 50-60 signatures. Earlier that same morning, I got up to read my bible and do some writing. As I was writing, I realized my heart was heavy with uneasiness. Little ques given off by my husband were negligible but nestled deep in my mind. Small words and actions were unsaid and undone or said and done. Each alone did not amount to anything but when all put together it all screamed that I was more alone on this journey of adoption than I was willing to be.

I could have done it. It would have been so easy.

If you had asked my husband how he felt about us adopting, he would have given you a very convincing answer about how we needed to do it and that he was looking forward to reaching beyond our biology to gain a new family member. He was convinced. I was convinced.

But it was the little things.

It took me a good hour and a half to read through the contract and sign it. I was actually savoring every word. He took 5 minutes. I purposely mistook it for eagerness as he would say "I trust you, I'll read it later." The alternative reason, other than eagerness, was not something I thought I could survive. But my gut knew and I would deny my intuition. I wanted to talk about potential names (if need be) and where they would sleep in our home. I wanted to dream out loud but I could feel the subtle resistance as the topic seemed to always change to something else. There were other clues that I chose to ignore. It was easy to ignore because I would reason that he was the one that came to me about wanting to adopt. OF COURSE he wanted to adopt, it wasn't like I pushed and badgered him into it.

So....I knew what I had to do. I felt it would kill me. Honestly, I wasn't sure I was capable of it. I wanted to adopt in the worst way. I started by telling my husband that I would not be meeting him at his office to notarize the contract nor would I be sending it off. He was shocked, "WHAT?" He claimed that he wanted to go through with the adoption and that he didn't want it to be held up and what could I be thinking? I was almost convinced. I calmly told him what I had been sensing and why. I told hm that my intuition would not leave me alone on this one.

He got quiet. He sat down and put his head in his hands. He then admitted that what he really wanted right now was for us to have another baby. It wasn't about money, it wasn't about being scared of adopting....he was just hoping to try to have another baby before we started adopting. I had no idea that this was brewing under the surface, my intuition did, but I didn't. The miscarriage of twins last September was devastating for the both of us. It was scary. In the midst of healing from this, he felt strongly that he would rather adopt than go through that again and I agreed. But as I would inform him of friends that had just gotten pregnant, he would realize that he wasn't done yet in this arena. I actually think this is rather humorous given that he was always the one that didn't know if he could "handle anymore".

I can honestly tell you, that my brain went into a panic of how were going to reverse all that we've done? How were we going to tell people? How was I going to let our agency know? Would this hurt our future chances of adoption? Would our agency lose their trust in us? How would our children handle the news? Was I even OK with this?

This is where it stands right now. We are going to adopt...but not right now.
I have told my husband that we can take the next couple of months to try for a baby. If it turns out that this time yields no baby, we will start the adoption process all over again. It we do end up with a new little one, after the birth, we will start the adoption process. Either way, it's a win win situation. Our family will grow. We will adopt. We are at peace. The keyword is WE.

Our agency was amazing when I told them the news. They applauded us for having the courage as a couple to "be on the same page"...even at the cost of halting an adoption. As it turns out, it seemed to bolster their respect for our marriage and our family and they reassured us that they wanted us back when the time came for us to adopt. I love this agency. I adore the people that I have had a chance to work with.

Our children.....well, they couldn't have cared less. Just as long as they were promised another sibling at some point, they were happy. Whew!!

I will be honest, I am sad but excited at the same time. That's almost like saying pickles taste good with peanut butter. I really don't like waiting and the thought of it sends an ache through my heart. I had my heart set on adopting. I just knew this would glorify the Lord. I just knew it would be such an amazing experience. I wanted to donate my permanent embrace to a child that needed permanence. I wanted to give myself away. It will happen, just not now.

If I have anything to say to those of you who are in the process of adopting: Make sure you and your spouse are on the same page...not 100% but 1,000%. The peace that results in this is worth it. This is not a journey that is meant to be traveled alone or even partially alone. Because there may come a time that the adopted child is difficult to handle and the last thing you will need is someone saying "YOU were the one that wanted this, YOU handle it." There is no room for regrets or resentment in adoption especially between you and your spouse. What is needed when difficulties arise with an adopted child is a spouse that comes alongside you and says "Hey, we are in this together; we can do this." My husband would have let me send off the check and the contract, but I knew his heart was not where is needed to be.

I could have done it. It would have been so easy.

But, not without tears, I am glad I didn't.



P.S. This blog is not going away. I will keep posting as this is all a part of our journey that will include adoption.