Would You Pray?

Many of you may know....many of you may not. If you don't, you need to.

Kiril.

Just a name for those of you who don't recognize it. But it's a name of a sweet boy in Eastern Europe whose very life is hanging in the balance as I write this. Kirl needs to go home. He has a family that loves him and wants to adopt him more than life itself. Last week, a judge decided that since Kiril was a little boy with Down's Syndrome, he would be better off in an institution than with a family.

This should anger you.....and make you pound your fist on your chest in disbelief. But what you need to do is pray because, ultimately, anger is less effective than prayer.

Below is the link to Kiril's story:

http://oureyesopened.blogspot.com/

Here is the link to see the first time Kiril met his adoptive Mama:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I7LO6Tfvd3I&feature=player_embedded

This is an urgent request but not the only one. There are two other adoptive families seeking precious Down's Syndrome children that will come before this very judge to hear whether they get to bring home these children as oppose to having them waste away in a mental institution.

This is so real. Pray hard.

Reckless

Yesterday a friend contacted me and informed me that the sisters' photos were on RainbowKids.com. As quick as I could, I rushed home to view them....my first look. I soaked the sight of them in like water to dry soil. I fell in love with them the moment I saw them. I lived a lifetime in just several minutes after seeing them. I could envision time spent with them, schooling, swimming, saying goodnight, crying, seeing bed head, laughing and finding our way through to their hearts, however long it took. I saw it. I dreamed of the first moment where they would claim us, too, via a held hand, a calmed fear or the fist time a need is satiated and their relaxed posture and eyes reflect it. They were mine.

I am reckless.

Before I said good bye to the day, I signed on one last time to take another look at those precious faces. They were gone. They had been pulled and replaced with a notice that said they were in the process of being placed. My heart leaped as I was certain that they had been pulled due the interest we had expressed and the eagerness our placement agency showed in wanting to place them with our family. I went to bed on cloud nine knowing that I would get an amazing phone call the next day telling us wonderful news.

I did get a phone call but it was not what I had expected. It was our adoption agency telling us that the adoptive mother had already chosen another family without the agency's knowledge. I was shocked as was the agency. In my heart I felt it was a sure thing. I was told by the director that they really didn't feel that this placement created by the adoptive mother would pan out and would I be willing to wait on the sidelines when it fell through. Of course I would......I felt like a deflated balloon, no air left, not even enough to breath for the moment. Of course I would.

Through these situations, I feel the Lord trying to pry me open. I can hear the cracking. I feel he wants my eyes and possibilities to open even wider in regards to who we would be willing to adopt and when. We are now open to things we weren't before....like breaking birth order...like adopting within the US, HIV, siblings, older children. We are being broken in. The Lord does not want to work with our perceived wants and limitations....just his possibilities. In this respect I can not claim to know him very well. I never know what to expect. I am learning not to plan or expect anything but be open to everything. As a result, I am making sure we are paper ready for anything should the circumstance arise so we can move quickly.

My husband and good friend both said the identical words to me today after finding out that "our girls" weren't our girls. They both said, "God is getting us ready for something really big.". I sure hope so.....it is so hard to wait and feel like I am doing nothing when there is so much to be done....so many children to love. Somewhere, there are children that need us....and we need them.

How foolish I am for getting attached so quickly.

I'd do it again if I had the chance...

But such is the way with Moms. Such is the way with me. I jump and risk all at a moment's notice, especially for a child. The skinned knees from this must be worth it, because I always keep getting back up.

My gut says this one's not over yet.

Switchback.

I thought I had everything figured out.

I have a slow learning curve. This is the only thing I do have figured out.

Because for the one hundred thousandth time, I have been proven wrong. Crap. I don't even have being wrong figured out.

Most of the time, I hate being wrong....it's bad for my image. It doesn't look good with anything I wear. But there are those precious times where I am grateful for being wrong....relieved even.

Today, I am revelling in being wrong. I was wrong about losing hope. I should know by now. Like I said, slow learning curve. Last Friday, I was informed that Ethiopia was cutting back on their adoptions by 90%. This was the country from which we had wanted to adopt. This could mean years in waiting for a child to grace our family. What's even more devastating, is that this could also mean countless deaths for children who don't have time on their side. It wasn't looking good for our chances to adopt from this country. Was God even wanting us to adopt at all? Curious, I investigated other programs and even looked into adopting a waiting child from our very own state of North Carolina. Our family size restricts our ability to adopt in almost all of these situations. Again, were we really being called to adopt? Were we being called to have any more children at all? Could my heart be lying to me? Maybe I just had it all wrong....you know, chasing the wrong dream, barking up the wrong tree, going down a rabbit trail...etc.

So, to sum things up, Ethiopia was looking grim, other programs yielded the same and I had a negative pregnancy test. Fruitful thoughts weren't exactly knocking at my door begging to come in. Hope was in danger of being a casualty. Having a hard time really understanding why Ethiopia did what they did, I called our adoption agency to get a better understanding of the details. I hadn't had any contact with them since we had decided to put a hold on our adoption. The Ethiopian program director was thrilled to hear from me and informed me that I had been on her mind. In fact, our family had been the topic of conversation at the agency.

Here is why.

There are two girls. Ethiopian sisters. Their current adoptive situation is not working out and they are in need of a family.....possibly our family. We were being asked if we would consider these two sisters.

Oh gosh.

How was I going to present this to Steve? Would our older children be receptive to the idea? Was this the Lord calling us to duty? I felt certain that my husband's response would determine this.

I waited.

I asked if we could go out for coffee so we could talk. He was suspicious and kept prodding me to tell him what was up. He was wondering if I had spent too much and was attempting to ease the blow over a cup of Joe? Had one of our children done something that would require long term medication or jail time? Was Victoria Secret invited? My poor sweet tortured partner soul. We finally ended up at a Wal*Mart looking at coffee makers when I spilled the beans (no pun intended!). I could tell he was relieved it wasn't something really awful but still disappointed that Victoria Secret stood us up. He was quiet and then stated that he thought it was a "cool idea" and that we should look into it. His only concern was our oldest daughter and how she would handle the possibility of having a partner in being 12. This really was an unknown only to be met with a cheery "I'm fine with it." from our eldest daughter.

Green light so far.

We have asked the agency for more information and are now waiting. Most of the decision of where these sisters will end up is up to the adoptive mother. I have no idea what she is going through right now....I can't imagine. This is just the beginning of something potentially huge. Honestly, I just have no words right now. I had no idea this opportunity would arrive in our laps like this. Please pray for these girls, their adoptive mom and the decisions that have to be made. Pray that she has clear thinking and pray that the girls are resilient through all of this. It's a hard situation that I pray we can be an important part of easing. Please just pray.

My head is spinning and I am at a loss for words. I will keep you all updated.

Perspective

Perspective. When I am emotional, this word is highly overrated.

Perspective. When I want something so bad, this word has no meaning.

Perspective. Without it, God is forgotten and my wants rule.

As all of you now know (and if you don't, please refer to the post "The Price Of Being United"), that my husband and I have put the adoptive process temporarily on hold to try to have another baby of our own. If the Lord does not bless us with a pregnancy by July, then we will feel that God has spoken and we'll move on to having God bless us through adoptions. My husband, wanting another bio-child, felt that the window of opportunity to adopt was much larger than having another of our own. If we do end up pregnant, then we will still be blessed through adoption by pursuing it several months after our blessing is born. My sweet husband did not want to do both at the same time....he is not as crazy as I am.

I will be honest. It is hard to keep perspective when trying to conceive. When trying to obtain something more than you currently have, it is so easy to lose sight of the blessings you already have. I have just found out that this month did not yield a positive pregnancy test after our first month of trying. Tears were shed and I pitied myself. I am ashamed to type this as my nine healthy children romp and play around me. "How dare I." a little enemy voice admonishes me. As I think of friends that could not have children and/or have suffered miscarriage after miscarriage, I often feel there is no room for me to feel bad for not being blessed more in this area. It is an internal conflict with which I wrestle. I am blessed and it is so easy to lose sight of this when reaching and hoping for more.

I come from a history flowered with easy to achieve pregnancies with no complications. Can I tell you how much I have loved and treasured this time in my life....admittedly, almost to idol proportions? When I am pregnant, I feel so close to the Lord by the very fact He is using me, a hopelessly flawed soul, to move forward with His creation in the likeness of a precious, doe-eyed, messy, cooing and scrumptuously pudgy life that is formed in His image.


Oh, the thrill of holding, for the first time, a child covered in protective goop, gasping for their first few breaths of air.

Breathtaking.....



To feel the kicks and display the warm glow of life and hope unseen.

Like heroin.....


I am addicted to the miracle of it all. I have basked unashamedly in this amazing era.......I never want to let it go. And my heart is breaking, because at the age of 42 and with every potential one-lined pregnancy test, I am wondering if it will be time to do so. I am so sorry if this all seems offensive, and out of poor taste, to have the blessing of so many, but act as if I've never had any.......but, crap, it is what it is. It is quite possible that the end of a season is at hand and this is hard to face. I looked at this period of my wonderful life like most people view their eventual death "It will never happen to me." It is inevitable and one day I pray for the grace to embrace the next phase of life.

But here is what is keeping my head above water. God is in control.

Even if the Lord chooses not to move forward biologically with us, we will seek Him to move forward with adoption. This excites me to no end. This is a wonderful painkiller to seek to glorify Him with adoptions. I know with every thing that I am, that our family is not supposed to end here. Whether it be with with negative or positive pregnancy tests or an adoption miracle, I will be at peace and trust that this is how it is the way it's supposed to go. This is my perspective.......for today. :)

A Little Story While We Wait (Part 3)

So on with the final part of this story...

Everyone appeared to settle in nicely and there was time to get to know my cousin a little better. After some time had passed, my cousin would share horrific stories of sexual abuse and being caught up in child trafficking. This mother.....this child. My insides ached for her and instantly I was given a spirit of protectiveness over this "woman-child". Her nickname would become "choman" and we would smile at my utterance of this name because it would acknowledge that she was both a child and a woman in the same body. I wanted her to know that I adored and respected all parts of her. She went to church with us and eventually came to a saving knowledge of Christ. She was baptized in water and in the tears of joy from others that were rooting her on.

My cousin seemed to be adjusting well and wanting to learn. First thing was first, we needed to get her eldest, Maria, on a schedule so she would sleep through the night. Insurance was also a concern and so we got them approved and started on Medicaid and W.I.C. Through God's grace, we were successful in obtaining a grant that would pay the full tuition to a local beauty college. This was a stepping stone to what she really wanted to do with her life and that was.......to be a mortician. There, I said it. I am so not going to answer any questions regarding this, because I was as perplexed with this desire as you probably are now! But I figured someone has to be a mortician right?

After about a month, the cracks began to show through. My cousin was wanting to get on MySpace to "talk with her friends" and she was sleeping in later and later and not taking care of her babies like she needed to. Most of her time was spent texting her friends. We really had no idea what we were taking on nor the limits we needed to set in having her live with our family. Given hindsight, we would have done many things differently, but we just didn't know. She was used to having so much freedom back in her home town....the same type of freedom that got her into trouble in the first place. We were afraid to set too many limits because we were afraid it would drive her away and the help we had to offer her would mean nothing. We just didn't know how to strike this balance and still be successful with her. In retrospect, we were way too timid.

15 mos old Maria was showing signs of emotional wear and tear as well due to previous unexplained absences of her mother. It had already been a month and I had yet to get a smile out of her. Not only that, her desire to play was non-existent. With all the children in our home ready and wanting to play with her, she exhibited no spark of interest. Her main goal of each and every moment of every day was to be as close to her mother as possible. If she had suction cups, I am sure she would have used them to attach herself to her mother like one of those stuffed animals that you see plastered to a window. A month of this behavior was not normal. Something wasn't right.

My cousin's beauty school was to start in January of 2010. It was agreed that I would care for her daughters while she went to school. In mid-October of 2009, before the start of school, my cousin was making noises that she wanted to go back home to "tie up loose ends" (i.e. parole issues, re-instating her driver's license..etc.) She did not want to take her little ones because she was afraid their father would try to abduct them. It was a valid fear that we both shared. She had an unused plane ticket and this is what she used to go home. She was scheduled to come back in 10 days.

We would not see her again for another four and half months.

After a series of conversations, I would learn that she had wanted to go back home solely to hook up with someone she had met on MySpace and they had decided they wanted to get married. And within in three weeks, she was pregnant once again with her third child at the ripe age of 17.

My cousin had left me with her precious girls, hidden from all the chaos she was now involved in. Was this why the Lord had them come live with us? It was obvious we were going to be of no help to their mother. Were we going to end up with them permanently?

In the ensuing weeks and months, we would have numerous phone calls with many family members to discuss our options. The end conclusion was that we were encouraged to seek temporary custody of the girls. Even their mother, my cousin, agreed and felt that we needed to pursue this.

At this point, I had four children three and under and seven additional children above these ages. Two of them were just months old. I loved the challenge and I loved Maria and Julia. Maria would begin to open up to me in ways that would melt my heart. The first time she ever reached her arms up for me to hold her was a milestone. This was a huge step for her in her trust in me. She was actually reaching out to have a need met. She used to just whimper quietly when she was upset or injured, almost as if she didn't think her need or pain was worth a robust cry. Her cries were becoming more strong and confident as she saw I would attend to her. Whoever thought I would want to hear this!!! But it was music to my ears. She was now fully playing with my children.....she seemed more at peace and happy. In a deep sense, I was so thankful that the Lord had given this chance to make a difference in a little curly headed life. However, her eating was still a sign that something was amiss. She would eat anything put in front of her. She had no stopping point. She would stuff her mouth so full that she would not be able to breathe. She was treating food as a choking person would oxygen. She would eat desperately, even when there was no need to.

It was this little person that would teach me that no matter how much I loved on her, my love would never saturate the deepest roots of who she was.......only her mom could do this and she wasn't there.

Again, we were back at the lawyers office trying to draw up documents to obtain temporary custody of Julia and Maria. According to NC state law, this could only happen once the girls had been in NC for 6 months which would be in late February of 2010. So now it was just a waiting game. Their mother would call on a regular basis and was noticeably torn. She wanted to be with her girls, but she wanted to create a stable life in which to take care of them.

At one point, my cousin asked to come back and live with us. The hardest thing to do was to say "no" to her. But her behaviors and lies were something we could not tolerate in our house. Since she was pregnant again, there was no way we could take on another little life and then have her leave again. Her children couldn't be exposed to more episodes of abandonment. Even if she were to stay and go to school, I felt confident we couldn't take on another infant so soon without jeopardizing the rest of my children. All we could offer was to take on the continual care of Maria and Julia while she got her life together and stabilized. She was upset and hurt that we would not take her back and took it very personally. As a result, she somehow convinced her mother that the girls were in imminent danger of being kidnapped by their father and was able to scare out the funds necessary to fly back to NC. With an 8 hr. warning, my cousin and her sister flew in and retrieved the girls.

Within hours they were gone. There was a hole left in our family. For days afterward, out of habit, I would check their room at night to make sure they were ok only to find the room vacant. Sigh.

What was I supposed to learn from all of this? Did we somehow misinterpret what God wanted us to do? Did we help at all? All I know, was that my heart ached and I was worried for these girls. There was nothing we could do except to offer future help should the girls need it.....and I was selfishly hoping they would so I could see them and love on them again.

We would hear nothing more of the girls unless I initiated contact with my aunt. They are currently living with their father and paternal grandmother. I'm assuming the grandmother has since developed the fine art of remembering the formula and bottles by now (refer to previous post). The father and grandmother are not in this country legally, so I do not know if this will affect the girls in anyway. My prayer is that it won't. My cousin apparently, rarely visits her daughters and is slowly evacuating herself from their lives.

Here's how I look at it. God uses all kinds of situations in which to raise us.....even imperfect ones. Obviously, this is the case for these girls. At least they are with family that love them and take care of them how they see fit. It could be so much worse. I feel content and satisfied that we obeyed the Lord's leading and did all that we could do. There are not, and never will be, any regrets in what we attempted to do.

If anything, this experience has made us realize that our hearts desire is to give of ourselves to children in need on a permanent basis................like what adoption offers. This experience played a huge part in grooming us for this role. We have a lot for which to thank Maria and Julia. They were teachers and didn't even know it.

You know, as I re-read through this whole story, there is so much that has been left unsaid. So much that happened and so many emotions that ran rampant and have been left unexplained and unexpressed. But I think I was successful in getting the gist of this story documented.

Listen, if you made it all the way through this long and arduous story.....you deserve an award! You have also shown great love towards me as well as it means the world to me that you would even be interested. Thank you. This has been something that I have needed to write down for the longest time and it has been cathartic to do so.

Here is the most recent picture I have of them: Maria @ 2yrs. and Julia @ 1yr.:

A Little Story While We Wait (Part 2)

Ok. So I have been duly chastised regarding telling my story in parts. Really, if I told the whole story at one time, I am afraid my poor friends and readers would not last until the end. I liken it to swallowing a whole steak instead of cutting it into edible pieces.

Here is the next piece of steak.

Alright, where was I? Ah yes, I ended the last post saying that I had convinced myself that God had wanted us to adopt my cousin's precious baby girl. I couldn't wait. She was due late August of 2009, but on July 25th, I got a call saying that she had gone into preterm labor and was about to deliver. This was not supposed to happen this way! My cousin was 5 days away from flying out to North Carolina to deliver here. I had wanted to be with her and legally it just made things a whole lot easier. I tried everything in my power to get to where she was to no avail. This is where I fully admit, with shame, that I was in this more for me than the baby or the mom. To be truthful, a part of me knew that the longer my cousin was around her baby girl, the less likely she would let her baby girl be adopted by us.

Too late.

We received a call later that night from my aunt telling us to stop all the paperwork and that my cousin had decided to keep her baby. I wasn't surprised, but oh so disappointed.......I mean, who could blame her? I couldn't even be mad at her. Quickly, I knew this was the way it was supposed to go and I was surprised at how easy it was for me to make peace with this. My husband had other ideas. Shortly after my aunt's call to halt the adoption, he came to me with tears and conviction. He told me that he felt the Lord was leading him to take in my 17 yr old cousin and her two tiny little girls. My cousin had had an unsavory past and was struggling with the choices she had made and was making. Most of our family would not lend support to her as they had wearied of her behavior long ago. It was clear to us that we may be her last life line and it was my husband's prayer that maybe we could mentor her and get her on her feet so that she could learn to support her children. Now, please keep in mind that I never told him that I had read books on birth mother issues, nor had I ever confessed to a single soul that my heart was telling me to try to keep my cousin and her babies together. It was then, that I knew the Lord was speaking very clearly to me. He had tried to speak to me through my research on birth mom issues, but I did not have the courage to listen. Then, my husband came to me with a solution to help keep my cousin and her girls together. Now, it was glaringly obvious to me what we had to do. We were about to become a family of 12 children overnight.

Within three weeks, I was on a plane to go pick up my cousin and her girls Maria and Baby Julia. Here is Maria at 15 mos and Julia at three weeks in the arms of the daughter of a good friend, several days after their arrival in NC:




Unbeknownst to me, there was much debate about whether coming to live with us was the right thing to do. The children's' father and paternal grandmother were against it but relations between them and my cousin were strained due to accusations of physical abuse and drug abuse on the father's part. It was a whirlwind pick up and we were all back at the airport ready to come home to NC within 24 hours. The paternal grandmother had told my cousin that she would help by "packing" Maria and Julia's carry on backpack for the trip. I thought this to be so odd given her negative feelings about my cousin going to NC with her girls. Upon arriving at the airport and waiting at the gate, little Julia began to fuss due to hunger. My cousin pulled out the back pack and started to rummage around for the bottles and formula to feed her. After searching fruitlessly, it was clear that the grandmother had failed to pack the formula or any bottles. There was no way that this 5 lb newborn was going to survive 8 hrs of travel without being fed. It was midnight, 20 minutes before boarding, and there was no way we could get our hands on any formula. In my heart, and knowing the grandmother and her absolute distaste for what we were doing, this was a purposeful act of rebellion and an attempt to sabotage our flight. This had the potential of being a real deal breaker.

except..

What the grandmother did not take into account was that I was an active breast feeder, and with my cousin's permission, I breastfed sweet hungry Julia all the way home without a hitch. This also spoke to me that we were doing the right thing. It truly felt like the Lord had parted the Red Sea for us and that any attempt to stop this would, and did, fail miserably.

You know, at this point, I am not sure which way to go with this. There are so many points to this story and so many lessons learned. I am glad it all happened. I would love to say that this all had a happy ending. It did have an ending but not what I expected at all.

(To Be Continued....)

A Little Story While We Wait (part 1)

First, before I jet off into story land, I want to profusely thank all of my friends for their concern and encouragement in regards to our latest developments. Your prayers have meant more to me now than ever, and I ask that you continue them as our adoption journey has not ended but taken a pit stop. Our journey will just be a little longer than anticipated!

I have been wanting to write about this for awhile. Since it looks as though I will have some time on my hands before we adopt, I guess I'll indulge myself by telling you this story.

About a year and a half ago, I was contacted out of the blue by my aunt. She seemed a little uneasy, but as the conversation matured it became apparent, she was looking for a potential family for her unborn grandchild. As it would turn out, my husband and I felt that we wanted to take this on in order to keep this child in the family not to mention that new life in our family would be eagerly absorbed and enjoyed. My cousin was a young 17 yr old who had already given birth to one daughter on her 16th birthday and now found herself expecting another little girl.

When this call came in, my youngest (our ninth) was only five months old and my next (our 8th) was not even two yet. We quickly retained a lawyer who would help navigate us through a private adoption. The only hang up was whether the potential father would relinquish his rights and let his daughter be adopted out. As it turned out, this would be the least of our concerns.

As the due date drew near, I felt a keen interest and desire to learn more about the issue birth moms have in relinquishing their children. The mother of this new baby would be doing something I could never imagine doing. I needed to know how to minister to her and realize the pain she would have to endure....and after all, the mother, my cousin, was a part of our family as well. In my quest to find literature that pertained to birth mothers' issues, I was surprised to find how sparse the pickings were. There were tons of books about issues with adoptive children and being an adoptive parent but hardly anything regarding birth mothers. All in all, I was able to find about four to five books dealing with this issue. As I would eventually conclude, birth mothers historically have been the ugly step daughter of the adoptive process and, as a result, have had to grieve silently and painfully with shame as their muzzle.

I couldn't wait to devour these books. I was sure they would give me all the answers I would need. Now, I could feel good about the adoption and I could make myself feel even better about the fact that I "cared" about the mom and her outcome. This couldn't have been further from the truth. What these books did do was open a slew of ethical questions in my mind regarding the whole practice of adoption. What seemed to be the main theme running through the books was that, for the most part, the birth mothers really never heal from the adoptive process. I read case after case after case where mothers told their stories anywhere from 1 to 40 years ago detailing their experience of releasing their child. Heartbreaking. Regret screamed out of the pages I turned. And yet, this is a topic that no one really talks about.....authors don't write about. This is because no one wants to read it, no one wants to admit it.....that adoption is not always the best answer. There are thousands upon thousands of children that have been adopted out when it would have been better had the child stayed with their family.

It's a marketing issue. It's a "fulfilling-a-desire-at-all-costs" issue. There is a load of money to be made through the adoptive process. There is no money to be made in trying to keep mothers and children intact. This would take conviction, time and money. So, you tell me, which option do you think wins?

Now, don't get me wrong. I am PRO adoption but only for the right reasons. Death of parents, abandonment, drugs abuse, sexual abuse and physical abuse are all reasons to preserve children's' lives and adoption may be a good option. Some may argue "that a teenage mom has no business raising children!" or "that mom has a right to get an education!" or even "it just wasn't a good time to have a child." Internationally speaking, corruption is also a huge issue that persuades / forces capable parents to put their children up for adoption. But you have to realize that many of the situations that are a reason for relinquishment are temporary...but giving up a child is forever.

In my mind, adoption is based on loss for both parent and child. And if I were queen for a day and had to make a criteria of when adoption was called for, it would be the following: If the wounds of adoption are less injurious than the wounds created by letting the child stay with the parent, then adoption is a good option. If a child has no living parents, then adoption is the only option (this includes by family members as well).

Now that I had these questions, was it really best to let my cousin give up her unborn daughter to us? Did it fit my "queen for a day" criteria above? Was there possibly a way that she could remain united with her children without going through the terminal heartbreak that would result from relinquishing her flesh and blood? Honestly, these were questions that were difficult for me to face and admit. The desire of having yet another newborn in our arms to love and cherish threatened to override my conscience, and ashamedly, it would for a time. Instead of going to my husband and telling him of my concerns, I stayed quiet and convinced myself that God wanted us to do this......

(to be con't)