It's Getting Close

Well, our paper work is done and was has been hand delivered into the country of Ethiopia. Now, all we have to wait for is the announcement of a court date. The wait. Oh the wait. For us, there is no way of telling how long this will take. Since our precious boys are already waiting children, this may grease the machine to go a little quicker. Also, the fact that I am very pregnant apparently adds a little more grease. We have been assured that everything is being done to expedite our case.....even to the point of putting all our paperwork on a plane with our adoption agency's rep. to be hand delivered to the appropriate people. The loving care with which our case has been handled has been touching and reassuring to say the least. I really believe that the Lord is taking care of these boys and of the whole adoption process. There is such peace that it is hard to explain......so I won't.

I really want to see these boys before they hit US soil. I feel an intense need to see, smell, meet and touch the environment they call home. I want to be able to imagine truly what they speak of when they try to explain their prior life to me. I want to be able to have the chance to say "Yes, I remember what she looked like" or "yes, I remember where you slept". I realize there will be so much I won't be able to relate to with them......but just to have a little taste, some visual and tactile link.

There is a distinct possibility of me not being able to go on any of the trips to meet them for the very first time or to bring them home. The timing and vaccination issues could be travel show stoppers for me. If I am going to travel, I ideally should travel by the end of January. If I don't, it will be too late as I will be only 5 weeks from delivery by the end of January. I am also trying to ascertain whether the Yellow Fever Vaccine is "required" in order to enter the country of Ethiopia. This particular vaccine is live and not one I am willing to to take while pregnant. There is too much risk. So my prayer is that we find out that this vaccine is just a "recommendation" and not "required". These are issues for which I ask for prayer.

All in all, this adoption has gone so smoothly so far. I am very thankful. Although I ingest all their most recent pics and videos like a drug crazed addict, it is beginning not to be enough. I am now in need of their hard core presence. I need to know if they like peanut butter. I want to know if they are scared of the dark. I want to know what they sound like when they laugh and when they cry. I want to know what their bodies feel like when I hug them and when I run my hand over their hair. What is their gate like when they walk/run? I just want to get started with them. I want their healing to have the chance to begin.


I am done waiting...

Gathering

This is the time of year where you can see a lot of squirrels, notably not my favorite animal, gathering food for the winter in the midst of fallen leaves and crisp air. They have had an abundant summer of chasing each other, chewing through screens, vandalizing large family vans and reproducing so as to have yet another year of festivities (seemingly) at our expense. Believe it or not, this post was going to start off with a more romantic air, but I am now finding the urge to pull out my BB gun for one last go of it with my furry buck-toothed friends. There will actually be a point to this, but it has taken a hairy morbid turn which I seem to be enjoying entirely way too much.

Ok, back to the paved road.

In watching the squirrels plan for the cold months, there is a part of me that marvels at how cool it would be to predict with such accuracy when the hard times were coming. It would be so nice, I think, to have some type of schedule to rely on for when sickness comes, when a financially slim time bears its claws to grasp at what has been so hard earned or when the enemy comes to seek and destroy all to which you are holding the tightest. Or better yet, to be able to store up high spirits in the expectation that the winter of depression will soon darkly loom uninvited around the corner. Oh, to be able to plan or to know would give us some sense of control, maybe an ability to better cope or altogether prevent the oncoming hardship. Yes, that would be nice...but so would breakfast in bed every morning with a massage.

Recently, I survived a "winter" in my life that tested all that I knew. It lasted about a year and a half. It was a period where I lost much of what I valued except for my husband, children and a few close friends (and for this I am grateful). I lost family relationships that I assumed would last a lifetime. In speaking a necessary truth, I risked and lost so much. I struggled whether the truth was even worth this much. I wrestled with how I was going to live without these loved ones since any attempt at reconciliation was rebuffed and I was told that it would logically never be possible. It was like they had all died and no one was crying but me. No funeral, no closure. I fought with false accusations of being insane, a liar and unstable. This, of course, attacked the core of who I knew I was.

My reserves to handle more were low, but the winter storms kept coming in the form of my precious church breaking down injuring and losing scores of relationships with precious people that I loved.

My reserves became even lower only to bear the blow of the loss of a twin pregnancy. Along with the loss of two wanted lives, I also had to face the reality of my childbearing years being over for good.

The grief and loss were unbearable to me. I was looking over a cliff with a bottom I couldn't even see. It felt I had lost too much. I can not tell you the number of times I wept to the Lord asking for some relief, some sign, some answer....just something to show me that He cared, that He was even listening.

"I cry out to God without holding back. Oh, that God would listen to me!" (Psalm 77:1).

I seemed to need to know whether these hardships were discipline or pruning. Through no fault of their own, my friends seem to disappoint and hurt me more......not because they had changed or had done anything wrong, but because I needed them in a way I had no business requesting nor dared to even ask...and they could not provide the healing/relief that I was so desperately seeking.

The depth of aloneness I felt was frightening and disheartening.

Psalms 27:9 -- Hide not thy face far from me; put not thy servant away in anger: thou hast been my help; leave me not, neither forsake me, O God of my salvation.

When God seemed to return my prayers with silence, I became spiritually despondent, angry and rebellious. Literally and metaphorically, red traffic lights meant nothing to me. Construction cones were dares. My attitude was destructive at best but I felt that if God didn't care....why should I? So, I didn't. My belief in God's existence never waned, but my belief that He actually loved me did.

Why was God so silent? I needed him.....I ached to hear something, to feel something. This winter of mine was getting so cold and so long. I told Steve I wanted to stop going to church. I wanted to quit. How could I worship a God who would not speak to me, who would not even answer me? Couldn't He see I was hurting so badly?

(Psalm 77:7-9)."Has the Lord rejected me forever? Will he never again show me favor? Is his unfailing love gone forever? Have his promises permanently failed? Has God forgotten to be kind? Has he slammed the door on his compassion?"

If I had only known He was waiting. Waiting for me to unwind. Waiting for me to find Him at the end of who I was. Like a toddler going down an intimidating tunnel slide for the first time only to meet the strong hands of their protector. I did not know this. Had you told me.....I would not have believed you. In my mind, no one was waiting for me.

I did come to the end. I unwound. I gave up. I died. And the rebuilding began. My winter slowly turned into the full bloom of spring that I began to believe would never happen. And my precious Lord began to speak of life and hope.

I would like to say that reconciliation has taken place in my family to bring us all back lovingly together and that our relationship is stronger than it was before. Not even close. But the Lord was faithful in revealing evidence through past correspondence vindicating me of the false accusations. The tattered pages were painful to re-read after many years, but served as a strong message that things are probably the best the way they are. What I initially experienced as being forgotten, discarded and thrown to the curb was actually the Lord's hand in protecting our family. Although I will always be open to reconciliation, I will not beat my head against a wall for it. I love my family dearly and I am at total peace with how things are now. The Lord was listening when I thought He wasn't..

My church family that disintegrated so painfully is still, and always will be, a disbanded church. But as a result, our family has found a home church that is healthy and led by a pastor that is a strong leader of a strong staff. For our current church situation, in retrospect, I would go through our old church disintegrating again in a heartbeat. I now see the old church's passing away as a true gift. The messages spoken from the pulpit of Potter's Hand Bible Church have been huge in the thawing out of my long winter. The Lord was listening when I thought He wasn't.

And as for the grief of my miscarriage and realization of never having children again, I am healed. I have nine beautiful children and many tears were shed over possibly not ever having anymore biological children......a necessary loss for any woman that has thoroughly enjoyed her childbearing years. But the gift of new life has been born out of the healing of this grief. As a result of the miscarriage, my husband and I embarked on our first adoption journey of adopting two brothers from Ethiopia. We are beyond excited and can't wait to add them to our family at the beginning of next year. During the adoption process of these Ethiopian jewels, I unexpectedly found out I was pregnant at the ripe age of 43. I am currently 22 weeks pregnant and expecting around the time our boys are due to come home. What a glorious homecoming this will be!! The Lord was listening when I thought He wasn't.

I am soaring now. I am not naive and will enjoy it knowing it will not last forever. This is where I want to be like the squirrels I see during the fall gathering nuts. Is there any way to gather the feeling of well being I feel now and save it for a rainy day......for another long, hard winter? Is there a way to store this and have it ease the pangs of another spiritual famine? If I could, these are the acorns I'd want to store:

That even through my winter, God still proved that He loved me dearly.....just not on my time schedule and not the way I thought He would.

"Praise God, who did not ignore my prayer and did not withdraw his unfailing love from me" (Psalm 66:20).


That without the grief and suffering, I would not have gained all that I have from my trials. I would not be as strong.

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance (Romans 5:3)

That what seems to be an injury or a crisis is most likely something entirely different in God's eyes.....something amazing.

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.(Romans 8: 28)

That even when I feel alone, it doesn't mean I am alone. I will try to remember this next time.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9)

That it's not all about me.

Even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” (Matthew 20:28)

What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can that faith save him? If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and filled,” without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that? So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead. (James 2: 14-17)


So I have rambled on telling you about nuts and habits of worthless furry animals not to tell you of my sob story, but to encourage those of you who are in your own personal winters. Do not to give up. You are not alone and your situation may not be what you think or what it appears. I also hope it is pre-encouragement for those of you who are in your "summers" to remember when your winter hits....because it will. Enjoy your summers, it is a true blessing! There are definite seasons to this life that are unavoidable and necessary. So store your nuts wisely...and hang on for the ride. God promises that in the end, it is all worth it.

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
²a time to be born, and a time to die;a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; ³a time to kill, and a time to heal;a time to break down, and a time to build up; ⁴a time to weep, and a time to laugh;a time to mourn, and a time to dance; ⁵ gather stones together;a time to embrace, and a time toa time to cast away stones, and a time to refrain from embracing; ⁶a time to seek, and a time to lose;a time to keep, and a time to cast away; ⁷a time to tear, and a time to sew;a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; ⁸a time to love, and a time to hate;a time for war, and a time for peace. (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8)

The Big Push

I want to show you what my children have done and how excited they are to bring their brothers home from Ethiopia.

My sons have taken up making survival bracelets in order to sell to help raise funds for our adoption. This was brainstormed by my eldest and he took the time and effort to learn how to make them. We are providing one for every $10 donation that is made on the blog. They can custom make them to your wrist size and your color preference. They can make solid color bracelets or bracelets with two of your favorite colors. We have many colors, more than what you see in the below pictures. If we don't have the colors you want, we can get it. Just indicate the color (s) and wrist size when you encounter the message prompt when you donate on our blog. Here is a picture of what they look like:






My daughters, on the other hand, have taken their creativity and decided they would make stationary to help fund raise. It is gorgeous and I am beyond impressed at the final product. Each pack includes eight decorated note cards with envelopes. We are offering these with every $10 donation. In the message prompt, you will need to choose if you want the stationary OR a survival bracelet. I am not sure the following picture does their art work justice, but believe me, the designs they have come up with are amazing and beautiful!




Also, we are holding a benefit for our adoption at the Cary Towne Center Chik-fil-A on Tuesday, October 25th from 5pm to 8pm. The owner, a dear friend, has been very generous in letting do this and he is donating 20% of the proceeds from this evening to our adoption. In addition, there will be a raffle for a year's worth of chicken sandwiches. So, to all my local peeps, it would mean the world to us if you would come join us for good food and fellowship. To see all your faces will bring us to my knees in absolute gratitude for your support in bringing our boys home!

The Heat of His Hand.

There are some things that are just inherent in a household of 11 people......a lot of them little people. One of the things that used to bug me, but now I hardly notice, are fingerprints and smudges. I've given up really. They are everywhere. At this point I just chalk it up to the decor and I am really thinking of getting a patent for the dirt colored design I see at waist level, like a border, all over my house. But, I will admit, there are days it gets the best of me and I try in vain to eradicate my house of all these smudges......proof of my family's existence.

But I'll tell you what, there are some smudges and fingerprints that I LOVE to see. The fingerprints and smudges of God all over my life.




This past week, my life has been overwhelmed by His touch......so much so that I literally still feel the heat of His hand.

Last week, I went in for an ultrasound to determine the location of the placenta in my uterus. My most recent ultrasound revealed a placenta that looked to be situated squarely over my cervix. If this were truly the diagnosis, it would mean several things. One, that travel to Ethiopia would be impossible due to the possibility of hemorrhaging. Two, it would also entail that I have a c-section as opposed to the home births with which I have been so spoiled and blessed. I was completely at peace with what ever needed to happen, but all things being said, I really wanted the placenta to move out of the way. The ultrasound last weak revealed a placenta that was totally off the cervix and not a threat. The Lord moved the stone away from the tomb and new life will be able to come forth! The ultrasound also revealed that there is a perfect little person being woven within me that is thriving.

Fingerprint.

Steve and I went in to get our biometric fingerprints done for the adoption of our sweet boys. We went two and a half weeks before our actual appointment date hoping that they would allow us in. It was like they were expecting us as the welcomed us with smiles and no questions. To make the visit even sweeter and more meaningful, our friends , the Crosses were there as well to get theirs done early. They are adopting a sweet little girl from the Philippines. It felt like the Lord just put us in the express lane. Steve and I were euphoric and walked out of the building high fiving each other.

Fingerprint.

I called my adoption agency to let them know where we were in getting our I-600A approval. We spoke of potential first travel dates, and the time of mid January was posed. I told them this was cutting it close in regard to my due date. Immediately things went into high gear and later that day, I was told that contacts in Ethiopia were now trying to get us an earlier court date due to our "situation". There are no guarantees, but the knowledge that there are people I don't even know pulling strings for us is humbling and brings an exciting sense of hope that I will be able to travel safely in this pregnancy.

Fingerprint and large beautiful smudges.

Lord, make a mess with all the evidence of your touch in my life. I am soaring as a result of the obviousness of your presence. I am in awe and I love feeling You so close that I can feel......the heat of your hand in everything we do. Please remind me of this time when I feel distant from you and wonder if you are there. Please remind me that your hands never leave me.

Thank you.

I know...I know

I know, it's been awhile since I have posted. I have been duly chastised by my loving friends who are waiting for the next tidbit. Why is it so hard to sit my butt down to post? I really do have a lot to say, but this little 3 inch human being knit within me seems to be calling the shots. I am happy to say that this little one is thriving and there is only one. An ultrasound revealed a healthy little baby wriggling around. This is roughly what the little one should be looking like right now at about 15 weeks gestation.

On the adoption side of things, all is going smoothly but everything just takes so long!! Most of the delays are my fault. For awhile, just looking at fine print made me want to spew. Completing paperwork was beyond what I could get myself to do.....and fine print was what it was all about. I am happy to say that most of this is behind me, and a stack of paperwork has been signed, notarized and sent on to get these little guys home. The Ethiopian courts do not open up again until October 15th due to their rainy season. So hopefully, our dossier will be in the shoot ready to be sent off by then. Timing. It's all in the Lord's timing.

On a different note, but not completely, my sixth born little man child had his birthday this last Sunday and he turned seven. He's the "D" man.



In the mail, he found an envelope addressed to him from a friend of ours. Inside it, he discovered a birthday card and a ten dollar bill. This is a lot of money for a little guy. It was all he had to his name. My husband and I took him out to dinner, just he and us, to celebrate the addition of another year with him. He was in heaven. In the middle of dinner, "D" looked at my husband and said, "Daddy, I have something for you." Steve looked up to see "D" earnestly fishing around in his pant's pocket where he finally pulled out a wadded up ten dollar bill. "Daddy, I want to give you this for the adoption.....all of it." Steve was shocked and finally ushered to tears while telling "D" that he was amazing. "D" stated, "I just want them to come home, Daddy."

I will be honest. Steve has struggled with the financial enormity of this adoption. I don't say this to make him look bad, I say this because this is where the enemy wants us to falter.....over fear that has no grounds. The amount of money that has to flow out will be tremendous and jaw dropping. But, such is the nature of international adoptions. But, it doesn't matter how much we have, there is always worry etched in Steve's soul about having enough money. Many men would be nodding in agreement in reading this. And admittedly, this fear did not start with the adoption but it has been brutally challenged by it.

The question really has to be asked as to why our child had such assurance in handing over all that he had to his Daddy. Yes, he's a child and many children could care less about money but it's more than that. Our son handed over all he had because, at some unknown level to him, he knew that all his needs had been met before acquiring the $10 and they would continue to be met after giving the $10.



Oh, the faith of children. To have trust that not matter what we hand over materially for His name, we would be taken care of and loved....that we would be "caught". To have the trust that our son displayed so beautifully at the dinner table towards his Daddy. He knows his Daddy loves him, he knows that he is protected and he knows this won't end with the subtraction of all that he has materially......this is why the $10 meant less to him and was easier to relinquish for God's glory. He knew that he would be "caught".

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?
Matthew 6:25-27 (in Context)


Adoption has made both my husband really evaluate our trust (or lack thereof) in the Lord in comparison to the trust we have instilled in our money. Adoption has put up a mirror to where our priorities really lay....and sometimes the truth of this is downright ugly and shameful. This has been a spiritual battleground for my husband. He has had to confront the fear of radically "going all out" financially for these boys. He has been frustrated with me and at times he sees me like the picture below.....well, truth be told, most people see me like this:




Except, when I jump, I make sure my pants are pulled up....and this poor guy actually looks to have peed himself.

This adoption has made it glaringly clear that one can not worship money and God with the same intensity at once. One needs to choose.

“No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money. Matthew 6:23-25

It has been hard. But I love the lessons this adoption is teaching our family. Pursuing these boys has been so valuable to us.....it is possible that we need to adopt just as badly as our boys need to be adopted. I love that it is further unveiling our eyes to see what God prioritizes and then to perform it with our actions....to see and then do. It is a strange sense of economy that the more you lose for the sake of Christ...the more you gain.

For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.
Philippians 1:20-22

Boys, Ephram and Anteneh, just know this. We love you and we are coming to get you.

Progress!

I am elated to announce the arrival of both the referrals for our boys! As I spoke with our agency yesterday, I was told that it was very unusual for an orphanage to update already acceptable labs and photos....but they did. Everything is brand new. New pictures, new physicals and new labs.

As I looked (ok, devoured) the latest photos of our boys, I was very cognisant of the difference in the demeanor of the boys from the very first pics I ever saw of them to the most recent ones. You see, in the first photos, they had no one pursuing them....no one in sight. But it has come to light recently, that they are now very well aware that a family, our family, has claimed them. You can see the difference in their eyes. The light. They know.

Isn't that what we ultimately live for in life?....to be claimed? Ideally, we start off in life knowing we have been claimed by our parents and family. We belong. What does it do to a child's soul when this is missing? As we grow older, we long to be claimed by the love of another in the form of marriage. But even then, this hole of needing to be claimed is never satisfied until we accept being claimed and bought with the blood of Jesus Christ. It is only then that we come to a peace and understanding that can not be surpassed. The look on our boys' faces is a look I hope to see again when they come to know the love of their true Savior.


As I have told more and more people about what we are about to do....adopt, I keep getting the common sentiment of what "saints" we must be. This always takes me a second to register this because this is not how we see it at all. The way we see it, is that WE are the "lucky" ones. I think at times that I just can't believe that the Lord has chosen us to bless like this. This feels like the ultimate reward....these amazing children....these gifts of God. I literally feel like we have won the lottery jack pot over and over. Honestly, I don't feel like we deserve these boys. They are jewels. How is it that people can't see this?

Yes, we are the lucky ones.

An Update On Our Van Tenants

My previous post humbly stated that our van had a rodent problem. We have now uncovered the identity of the tenant. Walking out to our van to go pick up my daughter from a class, one of my children spied a squirrel on the dash sitting like a statue of the Virgin Mary in a low-rider.

Busted.

My eldest daughter squealed in delight thinking this would be her next pet and went running to open the passenger door. As she did, we witnessed the squirrel dart over to the driver's side where the pedals were and squirm into a hole near the gas pedal. The squirrel was now inside our dashboard. Being pressed for time, we had no choice but to take our squirrel with us and pray that it would not gnaw away at my feet while driving.

Upon turning on the van, it became very apparent in the 102 degree weather, that our air conditioning was now not working......thanks to Mr. Butthead, the squirrel. It could only be suspected that this pest had chewed through some wires to accomplish this.

Today, we took our van in to get it looked at. What was found was a squirrel's nest inside the dash and chewed wires. There was approximately $225 of damage. We were told by the mechanic that he gets about one case like this a week and that we were lucky because most of the damage he sees is usually above $600. It was advised that no windows nor doors should ever be left open because of this......ever.

So, people, this is one more story of our van that will be added to the museum of memories and one more story that when I hand over those keys, although uninvited, will lend to the tears shed when walking away. My van is still my all-time hero.