This is something I never believed I'd hear again. It is something that brings me to my knees in humility, joy and absolute awe.
............the first sounds of my baby's heartbeats.
Yes, I am eight weeks pregnant and I am finding it hard to believe, after I had made peace with letting go of the pursuit of babies, that the Lord has seen fit to use me once again to bring forth precious life. This last week was one where, due to loss of all pregnancy symptoms for days, I was resigned to the fact that once again, I had lost yet another pregnancy. It would be a repeat performance of my loss of twins, symptom-wise. I had even made an appointment to see the OB tomorrow to see what course of action I would need to take in order to end this failed pregnancy safely. My heart was heavy but I knew that there were children and adoption papers to tend to. I was content to know that this was where the Lord had decided he wanted my focus to be. All hope had not been lost...just a change of perspective.
On Friday, my rental doppler arrived in the mail. It saddened me to see it as I knew I would have to send it back without even opening it....so it just sat there unopened and out of sight. Saturday night, I was cleaning up and came across the box again and decided that maybe if I tried to listen, I could at least tell if there were placental sounds and maybe how far gone the pregnancy really was. So I locked my bedroom door and laid down to listen to nothing. I rooted around for about a minute and heard nothing when all of the sudden......I heard a galloping of heart beats that were way too quick to be my own. How could this be? I was supposed to be miscarrying! No morning sickness ? Heartbeats! I began to cry and then I wanted others to listen too...but I had locked my bedroom door and was stuck lying in my bed with the doppler sensor resting precariously on the exact tiniest of spots helplessly calling out "Hey! I hear heartbeats.....someone?? Anyone?? Hello??" My calls went unheard and I ended up suiting up and running down the hall yelling "I heard a heartbeat!! I heard a heartbeat!!!" A majority of my family didn't even know that I was pregnant, so this was how it was announced...by my maniacal re-stating of the fact that there was indeed a heartbeat!! Joy, complete and utter joy!
My close friends have asked me whether we would still be adopting.
Absolutely.
Our boys still need us and we still want them with all our hearts. They are part of our family and a precious baby will not change this. I was afraid that our adoption agency would have issues with my pregnancy and adopting, but when I told them, they were overjoyed and more than willing to work with us. Whew!
Hearing the heartbeat has been like finding out I am pregnant all over again. I am overwhelmed with absolute gratitude and awe. This is all so amazing......this is more than I have ever imagined. I still need to soak all of this in. I am on cloud nine. Amazing...just amazing.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Sunday, July 17, 2011
For Reals..
As my young children would so aptly put it, this adoption is "for reals".
In our adoptive journey, there has been so many stops, starts, maybe's and almosts that our children have understandably taken awhile to trust the current situation. But they have finally taken our immediate intent to adopt the two brothers very seriously. The first sign was that their photo has now become our screen saver courtesy of our eldest son. Conversations between our children many times start with "When our brothers come, we can/ we will.........." My husband has come to me on two occassions to state that he is really excited to have these boys as a part of our family.
I love this. We are all on board...and this is the way is supposed to be.
We are in the process of putting together our dossier. Honestly, I was a little overwhelmed until I found out that one of my very good friends is a notary. This is a God-send! The other thing we are in the beginning stages of planning, is the fund raising that we will be doing to ease the financial pressure of the adoption. I have never done this before....ever. Where was I even going to start??? With a little prayer, I took the first step by researching this very topic. And during this research, people began popping out of the woodwork with ideas that had worked for them, or others they knew, when they had adopted.
I love the fact that we are amidst many families and friends who have adopted or are in the process of adopting. The support and encouragement gained from this is priceless. I can't imagine going through this with out these families and their experiences.
This is do-able. I am going to take a deep breath and keep on going. This is going to work. This is "for reals".
In our adoptive journey, there has been so many stops, starts, maybe's and almosts that our children have understandably taken awhile to trust the current situation. But they have finally taken our immediate intent to adopt the two brothers very seriously. The first sign was that their photo has now become our screen saver courtesy of our eldest son. Conversations between our children many times start with "When our brothers come, we can/ we will.........." My husband has come to me on two occassions to state that he is really excited to have these boys as a part of our family.
I love this. We are all on board...and this is the way is supposed to be.
We are in the process of putting together our dossier. Honestly, I was a little overwhelmed until I found out that one of my very good friends is a notary. This is a God-send! The other thing we are in the beginning stages of planning, is the fund raising that we will be doing to ease the financial pressure of the adoption. I have never done this before....ever. Where was I even going to start??? With a little prayer, I took the first step by researching this very topic. And during this research, people began popping out of the woodwork with ideas that had worked for them, or others they knew, when they had adopted.
I love the fact that we are amidst many families and friends who have adopted or are in the process of adopting. The support and encouragement gained from this is priceless. I can't imagine going through this with out these families and their experiences.
This is do-able. I am going to take a deep breath and keep on going. This is going to work. This is "for reals".
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
The Conversation
As I was saying good night to my precious daughter last night I felt the sudden urge to start the following conversation with her....
Me: Little one....where is your eyebrow? (Asked with absolutely no expression at all)
Daughter: Ummm......I don't know.
Me: Your eyebrow is missing. Where is it?
Daughter: Oh, that eyebrow. I snipped it off.
Me: You snipped it off. With what?
Daughter: With your fingernail thingees.
Me: My fingernail thingees. You mean you clipped off your eyebrow with my fingernail clippers??
Daughter: No. Your fingernail scissors....you know, those tiny scissors.
Me: Show me.
She proceeds to prance her one-eyebrowed self down the hall and retrieve my tiny scissors with curved blades at the end. And to imagine my five year old clipping happily away near her right eye ball makes me glad I don't witness all that my children do. Inquiring minds don't always want to know.
Thank you Lord that eyebrows grow back.
And thank you Lord that the ER was not a place visited as a result of eyebrow snipping gone wrong.
Thursday, July 07, 2011
Announcement!
After waiting and with much prayer, we are pleased to announce that we will be adding two gorgeous sons to our family. Our sons...it just seems to unbelievable to say and type. They are brothers ages eight and ten.
Our sons.
They have been waiting for five years to have a family. But because they are older boys and the eldest is missing a hand, these diamonds in the rough have been over looked.
They are devoted to each other and I feel grateful that we will be able to provide a family that will allow them to grow up together and safe. With our agency, they had the resources (a counselor) to go into the compound where they are staying to ask them specific questions that my husband and I had listed. Although I would love to share their background and how they came to have no parents, I feel that it would be a personal violation to them. I want it to be a story they tell when they are comfortable enough. I would hate for them to find out that everybody else knew intimate events of their lives that even they haven't come to terms with yet.
However, all that being said, I wanted to share the very thing that stole our hearts when they answered our questions. The eldest claimed that he could not remember the events that left he and his brother orphans nor could her remember his parents. Thinking this was odd, the counselor prodded further only to find out that he was afraid to mention his parents or his love for them fearing that no one would want to adopt him or his brother. Oh, his desire runs deep to belong to a family...so deep he was willing to camouflage the memory of his own parents to obtain new ones. Ouch. When I read this (along with the other answers to our questions), and if it had been possible and legal, I would have booked a flight to go and immediately retrieve this duo.
Our sons. The words taste so sweet on my tongue.
We are in the beginning of all the paperwork that needs to be done. The estimate given to us is about 8-10 months before they darken our doorway. We would covet any prayers during this process and prayers for the boys too. Pray that even though they do not know we are coming, that they are given a sense of hope and peace that they will have a family soon.
Our sons.
They have been waiting for five years to have a family. But because they are older boys and the eldest is missing a hand, these diamonds in the rough have been over looked.
They are devoted to each other and I feel grateful that we will be able to provide a family that will allow them to grow up together and safe. With our agency, they had the resources (a counselor) to go into the compound where they are staying to ask them specific questions that my husband and I had listed. Although I would love to share their background and how they came to have no parents, I feel that it would be a personal violation to them. I want it to be a story they tell when they are comfortable enough. I would hate for them to find out that everybody else knew intimate events of their lives that even they haven't come to terms with yet.
However, all that being said, I wanted to share the very thing that stole our hearts when they answered our questions. The eldest claimed that he could not remember the events that left he and his brother orphans nor could her remember his parents. Thinking this was odd, the counselor prodded further only to find out that he was afraid to mention his parents or his love for them fearing that no one would want to adopt him or his brother. Oh, his desire runs deep to belong to a family...so deep he was willing to camouflage the memory of his own parents to obtain new ones. Ouch. When I read this (along with the other answers to our questions), and if it had been possible and legal, I would have booked a flight to go and immediately retrieve this duo.
Our sons. The words taste so sweet on my tongue.
We are in the beginning of all the paperwork that needs to be done. The estimate given to us is about 8-10 months before they darken our doorway. We would covet any prayers during this process and prayers for the boys too. Pray that even though they do not know we are coming, that they are given a sense of hope and peace that they will have a family soon.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
A Call To Prayer For Hurting Friends.
An urgent request for prayer. I should have done this sooner but didn't recognize this as an avenue to ask. But nevertheless, I desperately ask.
Please refer to this blog for the full story:
http://mammatomany-bringingthemhome.blogspot.com
In a nutshell, they have gone to Ukraine to adopt and retrieve twin sisters. They are still there as I type. The adoptive process went well all the way until they reached Ukrainian soil. They arrived to an orphanage director who claimed that the girls did not know of the adoption and were visiting with their grandmother who would be very upset at learning of the attempt to have them adopted. All of this turned out to be untrue except for the grandmother part. She is very upset. She is determined to keep them to herself and looks as though she might be successful.
Through several instances of contact, while the McCoy's have been in Ukraine, the grandmother has been able to sway, scare and lie to the sisters about the intent of the McCoy's adopting them. No one knows what has been said, but the sisters are apparently not interested anymore in being adopted. The grandmother has stated she will file for guardianship....even though she has no means to support them. I am telling too much at the risk of possibly not telling of the situation correctly. Go to the blog.
The McCoys have been amazing throughout all of this and realize that God's plans are always good. But they are human too and I believe their hurt is big and deep over this issue. There is a slim chance that they may be able to bring these sisters home.
Please pray how you feel led for them. I can't imagine being in their shoes, but I have been amazed and inspired by their perspective on the whole situation. Please pray for continued comfort, peace and a discernment of when to fight and when to give up. Please pray that God is glorified throughout all of this....as I know this would be their desire as well.
Thank you for interceding on their behalf. I know that they would thank you too.
Please refer to this blog for the full story:
http://mammatomany-bringingthemhome.blogspot.com
In a nutshell, they have gone to Ukraine to adopt and retrieve twin sisters. They are still there as I type. The adoptive process went well all the way until they reached Ukrainian soil. They arrived to an orphanage director who claimed that the girls did not know of the adoption and were visiting with their grandmother who would be very upset at learning of the attempt to have them adopted. All of this turned out to be untrue except for the grandmother part. She is very upset. She is determined to keep them to herself and looks as though she might be successful.
Through several instances of contact, while the McCoy's have been in Ukraine, the grandmother has been able to sway, scare and lie to the sisters about the intent of the McCoy's adopting them. No one knows what has been said, but the sisters are apparently not interested anymore in being adopted. The grandmother has stated she will file for guardianship....even though she has no means to support them. I am telling too much at the risk of possibly not telling of the situation correctly. Go to the blog.
The McCoys have been amazing throughout all of this and realize that God's plans are always good. But they are human too and I believe their hurt is big and deep over this issue. There is a slim chance that they may be able to bring these sisters home.
Please pray how you feel led for them. I can't imagine being in their shoes, but I have been amazed and inspired by their perspective on the whole situation. Please pray for continued comfort, peace and a discernment of when to fight and when to give up. Please pray that God is glorified throughout all of this....as I know this would be their desire as well.
Thank you for interceding on their behalf. I know that they would thank you too.
Wednesday, June 08, 2011
Back In The Saddle.
We are back to where we were when I started this blog. We have initiated to process for a new home study that will approve us for more than one child and one that will be Hague compliant. After seeking the counsel of several adoption agencies and social workers familiar with international adoption, it has become clear that adopting just one racially different child into our large family would most likely be overwhelming and alienating to them. A sibling set has been strongly advised for our family. It just makes sense.
We have our attention on a sibling set of three, ages 7 (m),6(f) and 4(m). My husband and I are praying about whether we should go for it. It is more than we planned. And as excited as I am in thinking about the possibility.....I am scared. Can we really do this? Are we being called to do this? I can't seem to discern whether I am hearing God to do it, or my sense of caution is from the enemy....or is it from God? It's like I am walking in a house of spiritual mirrors. Prayer will have to be our GPS on this one.
Here's what I do know. If these exact same children were on our doorstep needing our family, we would take them, no questions asked and no second guessing. So, what makes this different? The money? A little. It's not cheap. The fact that there is more of a choice of children? Yes.
It's the choice.
Having children plopped on your doorstep asking for a family is so painfully obvious that the Lord is calling you to act....courageously and graciously. God's will for you screams in this scenario. But when you are sitting at the computer looking at a bunch of photo listings....how do you know??? What if you make the wrong choice? Is any orphan really a wrong choice in the Lord's eyes? There are sooooo many. It is too much like shopping, that the discomfort about this is felt at a gut level. You'd almost rather someone choose for you. That way, it would feel like it was meant to be...like you were being chosen instead of you doing the choosing. The burden of choice is heavier, especially if you do not trust your own.
I guess I thought I would look at a photo of a waiting child and instantly know.... What a high expectation to put on a couple of photos. What an unreal expectation to put on a child to be able to catch a family's eye with the perfect pose or expression. With international adoption, so much of it is like a blind date.......or an arranged marriage where the couple meets for the first time moments before the ceremony that binds them for life.
Then there are the logistics of it all. We would have to get a new van! A fifteen passenger van OR if I were actually set loose to choose, I would choose a lip stick-red16-18 passenger airport shuttle. You heard me right...not a Porche but an airport shuttle....with a pin stripe down the sides to make it look like it had some moxy. Oh, you say flames might look better? I agree. Flames it is! My husband actually caught me looking for one of these babies online and, with a panic laced voice, requested I stop looking, immediately. The idea will grow on him....just wait. I actually day dream about what our HOA would have to say about our cherry-red, hot flaming 16 seater beached in our driveway. In my fold out lawn chair, with one arm rest missing, I will be waiting for that letter to arrive that will contain all the restrictions we have violated with the purchase of our new beast...and I will frame it.
Now, that would be living.
I love the feeling of knowing that eventually new life will be invited into our home to live out the rest of childhood with us. I love that I have a husband that is open to the "big-ness" of it all, and oh, it is big. It's life changing for all involved.
Please pray for this whole process. Pray for the children that will be coming to our family and pray that we are sensitive and obedient to all of God's what's, when's, wheres and who's. The "why" was left out because sometimes with God, it's just none of my business. So, dear friends, thank you so much for being on this journey with us....I so covet your prayers, encouragement and your friendship. I'll update you soon regarding our decision on the sibling set of three.
Good night.
We have our attention on a sibling set of three, ages 7 (m),6(f) and 4(m). My husband and I are praying about whether we should go for it. It is more than we planned. And as excited as I am in thinking about the possibility.....I am scared. Can we really do this? Are we being called to do this? I can't seem to discern whether I am hearing God to do it, or my sense of caution is from the enemy....or is it from God? It's like I am walking in a house of spiritual mirrors. Prayer will have to be our GPS on this one.
Here's what I do know. If these exact same children were on our doorstep needing our family, we would take them, no questions asked and no second guessing. So, what makes this different? The money? A little. It's not cheap. The fact that there is more of a choice of children? Yes.
It's the choice.
Having children plopped on your doorstep asking for a family is so painfully obvious that the Lord is calling you to act....courageously and graciously. God's will for you screams in this scenario. But when you are sitting at the computer looking at a bunch of photo listings....how do you know??? What if you make the wrong choice? Is any orphan really a wrong choice in the Lord's eyes? There are sooooo many. It is too much like shopping, that the discomfort about this is felt at a gut level. You'd almost rather someone choose for you. That way, it would feel like it was meant to be...like you were being chosen instead of you doing the choosing. The burden of choice is heavier, especially if you do not trust your own.
I guess I thought I would look at a photo of a waiting child and instantly know.... What a high expectation to put on a couple of photos. What an unreal expectation to put on a child to be able to catch a family's eye with the perfect pose or expression. With international adoption, so much of it is like a blind date.......or an arranged marriage where the couple meets for the first time moments before the ceremony that binds them for life.
Then there are the logistics of it all. We would have to get a new van! A fifteen passenger van OR if I were actually set loose to choose, I would choose a lip stick-red16-18 passenger airport shuttle. You heard me right...not a Porche but an airport shuttle....with a pin stripe down the sides to make it look like it had some moxy. Oh, you say flames might look better? I agree. Flames it is! My husband actually caught me looking for one of these babies online and, with a panic laced voice, requested I stop looking, immediately. The idea will grow on him....just wait. I actually day dream about what our HOA would have to say about our cherry-red, hot flaming 16 seater beached in our driveway. In my fold out lawn chair, with one arm rest missing, I will be waiting for that letter to arrive that will contain all the restrictions we have violated with the purchase of our new beast...and I will frame it.
Now, that would be living.
I love the feeling of knowing that eventually new life will be invited into our home to live out the rest of childhood with us. I love that I have a husband that is open to the "big-ness" of it all, and oh, it is big. It's life changing for all involved.
Please pray for this whole process. Pray for the children that will be coming to our family and pray that we are sensitive and obedient to all of God's what's, when's, wheres and who's. The "why" was left out because sometimes with God, it's just none of my business. So, dear friends, thank you so much for being on this journey with us....I so covet your prayers, encouragement and your friendship. I'll update you soon regarding our decision on the sibling set of three.
Good night.
Thursday, June 02, 2011
I Am Still Here.
I Am Still Here.
This is what I heard one late night while driving recently. It wasn't a voice necessarily but a loud thought interrupting my own thoughts, my mindless chatter. The next night, I also was out late running errands and again heard a voice/thought saying,
I Am Still Here.
I knew what it meant. It gave me peace. It assured me. It was a no-brainer. This has been spoken to me everyday of my life only to fall on deaf ears. But for once, years of my selfish desires have become impossible to fulfill and my dreams are now seemingly unreachable. And it is in this place where I really heard Him. I have been stripped of everything I thought was important only to hear the most important thing.
I Am Still Here.
Oh Lord. I am sorry. I am so sorry it's taken me this long to release my death grip on things that relentlessly tore at my commitment to you. It's like I have been voluntarily tone deaf all of my life and now I finally can hear the notes. Sing me your song now Lord. I promise I will listen.
You know, I will be honest. My death grip.
Babies.
Having babies has been one of the biggest highlights of my life. I refused to ever think there would ever be a time that I could not bear children. Foolish, I know, but I just could not bring myself to think of the grief I would experience once this stage of life came calling uninvited, to my door. There was this feeling that I would not be able to survive the sadness of it all. Fleeing the inevitable grief took its form in many ways including, but not limited to, exercising, constantly looking at older woman who birthed babies as proof I deserved it too, an impeccable diet, and prayers that were, in reality, deals with God. If I believed and did all these things, He would give me a baby and I would be the first woman to bypass menopause (not really...but kinda :) I would be unique and defeat the inevitable.
Here is what I have learned.
I am not unique. I can not defeat the inevitable. I believed the lie and suffered. I learned again that God is unique and God did defeat the inevitable. I have miscarried and looked at numerous negative pregnancy tests. Really, these last few months of trying for a baby, only to come up with nothing, probably has been the best thing for me.
Painful, yes. Deadly, no. Freeing, definitely.
I am not white-knuckling it anymore and my death grip on this issue is slowly loosening......and I am still alive. When I see that I have sprouted more gray hair and several more smile creases, instead of being afraid that I am that much closer to not having anymore children, I find myself feeling thankful that the Lord has allowed the health for my body to give me so many. When I grab that rare chocolate covered doughnut, that I have only eyed from afar in the past, I enjoy it instead of fretting that with every luscious mouthful it might hinder my chances of conceiving another baby. Oh how ugly it is to admit how this desire sapped me of so much joy and filled me with so much fear. I believed the lies being whispered by the enemy, "You will never again have this much joy once you can not bear children anymore." "You will be worth nothing when this is over." and "Once you can't have children anymore, it means you are old...and no one likes old people." I am sure there are many more lies I believed along these lines but these were the most prominent.
So now I am embarking on what the enemy swore I could not live through....and I am alive and well. Like going through detox from drug addiction, I am getting clean and things seem more vibrant and in focus. And I can finally hear these words that have been spoken so often but were drowned out by the white noise of my fears:
I Am Still Here.
This is what I heard one late night while driving recently. It wasn't a voice necessarily but a loud thought interrupting my own thoughts, my mindless chatter. The next night, I also was out late running errands and again heard a voice/thought saying,
I Am Still Here.
I knew what it meant. It gave me peace. It assured me. It was a no-brainer. This has been spoken to me everyday of my life only to fall on deaf ears. But for once, years of my selfish desires have become impossible to fulfill and my dreams are now seemingly unreachable. And it is in this place where I really heard Him. I have been stripped of everything I thought was important only to hear the most important thing.
I Am Still Here.
Oh Lord. I am sorry. I am so sorry it's taken me this long to release my death grip on things that relentlessly tore at my commitment to you. It's like I have been voluntarily tone deaf all of my life and now I finally can hear the notes. Sing me your song now Lord. I promise I will listen.
You know, I will be honest. My death grip.
Babies.
Having babies has been one of the biggest highlights of my life. I refused to ever think there would ever be a time that I could not bear children. Foolish, I know, but I just could not bring myself to think of the grief I would experience once this stage of life came calling uninvited, to my door. There was this feeling that I would not be able to survive the sadness of it all. Fleeing the inevitable grief took its form in many ways including, but not limited to, exercising, constantly looking at older woman who birthed babies as proof I deserved it too, an impeccable diet, and prayers that were, in reality, deals with God. If I believed and did all these things, He would give me a baby and I would be the first woman to bypass menopause (not really...but kinda :) I would be unique and defeat the inevitable.
Here is what I have learned.
I am not unique. I can not defeat the inevitable. I believed the lie and suffered. I learned again that God is unique and God did defeat the inevitable. I have miscarried and looked at numerous negative pregnancy tests. Really, these last few months of trying for a baby, only to come up with nothing, probably has been the best thing for me.
Painful, yes. Deadly, no. Freeing, definitely.
I am not white-knuckling it anymore and my death grip on this issue is slowly loosening......and I am still alive. When I see that I have sprouted more gray hair and several more smile creases, instead of being afraid that I am that much closer to not having anymore children, I find myself feeling thankful that the Lord has allowed the health for my body to give me so many. When I grab that rare chocolate covered doughnut, that I have only eyed from afar in the past, I enjoy it instead of fretting that with every luscious mouthful it might hinder my chances of conceiving another baby. Oh how ugly it is to admit how this desire sapped me of so much joy and filled me with so much fear. I believed the lies being whispered by the enemy, "You will never again have this much joy once you can not bear children anymore." "You will be worth nothing when this is over." and "Once you can't have children anymore, it means you are old...and no one likes old people." I am sure there are many more lies I believed along these lines but these were the most prominent.
So now I am embarking on what the enemy swore I could not live through....and I am alive and well. Like going through detox from drug addiction, I am getting clean and things seem more vibrant and in focus. And I can finally hear these words that have been spoken so often but were drowned out by the white noise of my fears:
I Am Still Here.
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