A Little Story While We Wait (Part 2)

Ok. So I have been duly chastised regarding telling my story in parts. Really, if I told the whole story at one time, I am afraid my poor friends and readers would not last until the end. I liken it to swallowing a whole steak instead of cutting it into edible pieces.

Here is the next piece of steak.

Alright, where was I? Ah yes, I ended the last post saying that I had convinced myself that God had wanted us to adopt my cousin's precious baby girl. I couldn't wait. She was due late August of 2009, but on July 25th, I got a call saying that she had gone into preterm labor and was about to deliver. This was not supposed to happen this way! My cousin was 5 days away from flying out to North Carolina to deliver here. I had wanted to be with her and legally it just made things a whole lot easier. I tried everything in my power to get to where she was to no avail. This is where I fully admit, with shame, that I was in this more for me than the baby or the mom. To be truthful, a part of me knew that the longer my cousin was around her baby girl, the less likely she would let her baby girl be adopted by us.

Too late.

We received a call later that night from my aunt telling us to stop all the paperwork and that my cousin had decided to keep her baby. I wasn't surprised, but oh so disappointed.......I mean, who could blame her? I couldn't even be mad at her. Quickly, I knew this was the way it was supposed to go and I was surprised at how easy it was for me to make peace with this. My husband had other ideas. Shortly after my aunt's call to halt the adoption, he came to me with tears and conviction. He told me that he felt the Lord was leading him to take in my 17 yr old cousin and her two tiny little girls. My cousin had had an unsavory past and was struggling with the choices she had made and was making. Most of our family would not lend support to her as they had wearied of her behavior long ago. It was clear to us that we may be her last life line and it was my husband's prayer that maybe we could mentor her and get her on her feet so that she could learn to support her children. Now, please keep in mind that I never told him that I had read books on birth mother issues, nor had I ever confessed to a single soul that my heart was telling me to try to keep my cousin and her babies together. It was then, that I knew the Lord was speaking very clearly to me. He had tried to speak to me through my research on birth mom issues, but I did not have the courage to listen. Then, my husband came to me with a solution to help keep my cousin and her girls together. Now, it was glaringly obvious to me what we had to do. We were about to become a family of 12 children overnight.

Within three weeks, I was on a plane to go pick up my cousin and her girls Maria and Baby Julia. Here is Maria at 15 mos and Julia at three weeks in the arms of the daughter of a good friend, several days after their arrival in NC:




Unbeknownst to me, there was much debate about whether coming to live with us was the right thing to do. The children's' father and paternal grandmother were against it but relations between them and my cousin were strained due to accusations of physical abuse and drug abuse on the father's part. It was a whirlwind pick up and we were all back at the airport ready to come home to NC within 24 hours. The paternal grandmother had told my cousin that she would help by "packing" Maria and Julia's carry on backpack for the trip. I thought this to be so odd given her negative feelings about my cousin going to NC with her girls. Upon arriving at the airport and waiting at the gate, little Julia began to fuss due to hunger. My cousin pulled out the back pack and started to rummage around for the bottles and formula to feed her. After searching fruitlessly, it was clear that the grandmother had failed to pack the formula or any bottles. There was no way that this 5 lb newborn was going to survive 8 hrs of travel without being fed. It was midnight, 20 minutes before boarding, and there was no way we could get our hands on any formula. In my heart, and knowing the grandmother and her absolute distaste for what we were doing, this was a purposeful act of rebellion and an attempt to sabotage our flight. This had the potential of being a real deal breaker.

except..

What the grandmother did not take into account was that I was an active breast feeder, and with my cousin's permission, I breastfed sweet hungry Julia all the way home without a hitch. This also spoke to me that we were doing the right thing. It truly felt like the Lord had parted the Red Sea for us and that any attempt to stop this would, and did, fail miserably.

You know, at this point, I am not sure which way to go with this. There are so many points to this story and so many lessons learned. I am glad it all happened. I would love to say that this all had a happy ending. It did have an ending but not what I expected at all.

(To Be Continued....)

A Little Story While We Wait (part 1)

First, before I jet off into story land, I want to profusely thank all of my friends for their concern and encouragement in regards to our latest developments. Your prayers have meant more to me now than ever, and I ask that you continue them as our adoption journey has not ended but taken a pit stop. Our journey will just be a little longer than anticipated!

I have been wanting to write about this for awhile. Since it looks as though I will have some time on my hands before we adopt, I guess I'll indulge myself by telling you this story.

About a year and a half ago, I was contacted out of the blue by my aunt. She seemed a little uneasy, but as the conversation matured it became apparent, she was looking for a potential family for her unborn grandchild. As it would turn out, my husband and I felt that we wanted to take this on in order to keep this child in the family not to mention that new life in our family would be eagerly absorbed and enjoyed. My cousin was a young 17 yr old who had already given birth to one daughter on her 16th birthday and now found herself expecting another little girl.

When this call came in, my youngest (our ninth) was only five months old and my next (our 8th) was not even two yet. We quickly retained a lawyer who would help navigate us through a private adoption. The only hang up was whether the potential father would relinquish his rights and let his daughter be adopted out. As it turned out, this would be the least of our concerns.

As the due date drew near, I felt a keen interest and desire to learn more about the issue birth moms have in relinquishing their children. The mother of this new baby would be doing something I could never imagine doing. I needed to know how to minister to her and realize the pain she would have to endure....and after all, the mother, my cousin, was a part of our family as well. In my quest to find literature that pertained to birth mothers' issues, I was surprised to find how sparse the pickings were. There were tons of books about issues with adoptive children and being an adoptive parent but hardly anything regarding birth mothers. All in all, I was able to find about four to five books dealing with this issue. As I would eventually conclude, birth mothers historically have been the ugly step daughter of the adoptive process and, as a result, have had to grieve silently and painfully with shame as their muzzle.

I couldn't wait to devour these books. I was sure they would give me all the answers I would need. Now, I could feel good about the adoption and I could make myself feel even better about the fact that I "cared" about the mom and her outcome. This couldn't have been further from the truth. What these books did do was open a slew of ethical questions in my mind regarding the whole practice of adoption. What seemed to be the main theme running through the books was that, for the most part, the birth mothers really never heal from the adoptive process. I read case after case after case where mothers told their stories anywhere from 1 to 40 years ago detailing their experience of releasing their child. Heartbreaking. Regret screamed out of the pages I turned. And yet, this is a topic that no one really talks about.....authors don't write about. This is because no one wants to read it, no one wants to admit it.....that adoption is not always the best answer. There are thousands upon thousands of children that have been adopted out when it would have been better had the child stayed with their family.

It's a marketing issue. It's a "fulfilling-a-desire-at-all-costs" issue. There is a load of money to be made through the adoptive process. There is no money to be made in trying to keep mothers and children intact. This would take conviction, time and money. So, you tell me, which option do you think wins?

Now, don't get me wrong. I am PRO adoption but only for the right reasons. Death of parents, abandonment, drugs abuse, sexual abuse and physical abuse are all reasons to preserve children's' lives and adoption may be a good option. Some may argue "that a teenage mom has no business raising children!" or "that mom has a right to get an education!" or even "it just wasn't a good time to have a child." Internationally speaking, corruption is also a huge issue that persuades / forces capable parents to put their children up for adoption. But you have to realize that many of the situations that are a reason for relinquishment are temporary...but giving up a child is forever.

In my mind, adoption is based on loss for both parent and child. And if I were queen for a day and had to make a criteria of when adoption was called for, it would be the following: If the wounds of adoption are less injurious than the wounds created by letting the child stay with the parent, then adoption is a good option. If a child has no living parents, then adoption is the only option (this includes by family members as well).

Now that I had these questions, was it really best to let my cousin give up her unborn daughter to us? Did it fit my "queen for a day" criteria above? Was there possibly a way that she could remain united with her children without going through the terminal heartbreak that would result from relinquishing her flesh and blood? Honestly, these were questions that were difficult for me to face and admit. The desire of having yet another newborn in our arms to love and cherish threatened to override my conscience, and ashamedly, it would for a time. Instead of going to my husband and telling him of my concerns, I stayed quiet and convinced myself that God wanted us to do this......

(to be con't)

The Price of Being United

I could have done it. It would have been so easy.

The plan was to go to my husband's office and get the adoption service contract notarized and sent off with a very large payment of $5,000. This contract was easily 20-30 pages long and required 50-60 signatures. Earlier that same morning, I got up to read my bible and do some writing. As I was writing, I realized my heart was heavy with uneasiness. Little ques given off by my husband were negligible but nestled deep in my mind. Small words and actions were unsaid and undone or said and done. Each alone did not amount to anything but when all put together it all screamed that I was more alone on this journey of adoption than I was willing to be.

I could have done it. It would have been so easy.

If you had asked my husband how he felt about us adopting, he would have given you a very convincing answer about how we needed to do it and that he was looking forward to reaching beyond our biology to gain a new family member. He was convinced. I was convinced.

But it was the little things.

It took me a good hour and a half to read through the contract and sign it. I was actually savoring every word. He took 5 minutes. I purposely mistook it for eagerness as he would say "I trust you, I'll read it later." The alternative reason, other than eagerness, was not something I thought I could survive. But my gut knew and I would deny my intuition. I wanted to talk about potential names (if need be) and where they would sleep in our home. I wanted to dream out loud but I could feel the subtle resistance as the topic seemed to always change to something else. There were other clues that I chose to ignore. It was easy to ignore because I would reason that he was the one that came to me about wanting to adopt. OF COURSE he wanted to adopt, it wasn't like I pushed and badgered him into it.

So....I knew what I had to do. I felt it would kill me. Honestly, I wasn't sure I was capable of it. I wanted to adopt in the worst way. I started by telling my husband that I would not be meeting him at his office to notarize the contract nor would I be sending it off. He was shocked, "WHAT?" He claimed that he wanted to go through with the adoption and that he didn't want it to be held up and what could I be thinking? I was almost convinced. I calmly told him what I had been sensing and why. I told hm that my intuition would not leave me alone on this one.

He got quiet. He sat down and put his head in his hands. He then admitted that what he really wanted right now was for us to have another baby. It wasn't about money, it wasn't about being scared of adopting....he was just hoping to try to have another baby before we started adopting. I had no idea that this was brewing under the surface, my intuition did, but I didn't. The miscarriage of twins last September was devastating for the both of us. It was scary. In the midst of healing from this, he felt strongly that he would rather adopt than go through that again and I agreed. But as I would inform him of friends that had just gotten pregnant, he would realize that he wasn't done yet in this arena. I actually think this is rather humorous given that he was always the one that didn't know if he could "handle anymore".

I can honestly tell you, that my brain went into a panic of how were going to reverse all that we've done? How were we going to tell people? How was I going to let our agency know? Would this hurt our future chances of adoption? Would our agency lose their trust in us? How would our children handle the news? Was I even OK with this?

This is where it stands right now. We are going to adopt...but not right now.
I have told my husband that we can take the next couple of months to try for a baby. If it turns out that this time yields no baby, we will start the adoption process all over again. It we do end up with a new little one, after the birth, we will start the adoption process. Either way, it's a win win situation. Our family will grow. We will adopt. We are at peace. The keyword is WE.

Our agency was amazing when I told them the news. They applauded us for having the courage as a couple to "be on the same page"...even at the cost of halting an adoption. As it turns out, it seemed to bolster their respect for our marriage and our family and they reassured us that they wanted us back when the time came for us to adopt. I love this agency. I adore the people that I have had a chance to work with.

Our children.....well, they couldn't have cared less. Just as long as they were promised another sibling at some point, they were happy. Whew!!

I will be honest, I am sad but excited at the same time. That's almost like saying pickles taste good with peanut butter. I really don't like waiting and the thought of it sends an ache through my heart. I had my heart set on adopting. I just knew this would glorify the Lord. I just knew it would be such an amazing experience. I wanted to donate my permanent embrace to a child that needed permanence. I wanted to give myself away. It will happen, just not now.

If I have anything to say to those of you who are in the process of adopting: Make sure you and your spouse are on the same page...not 100% but 1,000%. The peace that results in this is worth it. This is not a journey that is meant to be traveled alone or even partially alone. Because there may come a time that the adopted child is difficult to handle and the last thing you will need is someone saying "YOU were the one that wanted this, YOU handle it." There is no room for regrets or resentment in adoption especially between you and your spouse. What is needed when difficulties arise with an adopted child is a spouse that comes alongside you and says "Hey, we are in this together; we can do this." My husband would have let me send off the check and the contract, but I knew his heart was not where is needed to be.

I could have done it. It would have been so easy.

But, not without tears, I am glad I didn't.



P.S. This blog is not going away. I will keep posting as this is all a part of our journey that will include adoption.

Dear Readers....

I am so sorry.

I have just been made aware of a "song" on my playlist that was entirely inappropriate. I thought I had added a song about adoption when it was really a comedy act that was profane and made fun of orphans and adopting. This was unintentional and I pray that you will forgive me.

I am sure I have lost readers over this and I would have left a blog over this as well. So, I ask for your grace on this. I am completely and utterly embarrassed as well as horrified. It has been deleted.

Uncovered

Recently we had to review and sign our placement agency's contract. All in all, it probably required us to sign in fifty to sixty different places. The information and what we were agreeing to was daunting. We were bargaining for a life...maybe two. It felt weird to reduce the addition of a family member down to a business transaction. It reminds me a lot of when we bought our house or our last car. But this is a life being transferred with a series of documents and signatures. A little life.

I think the part of the contract that intrigued me the most was where we had to state what the physical, emotional and intellectual parameters were that we desired of our potential child(ren). It started out very easy. Complexion? Who cares. But then the questions got harder and we realized that some of our desires left a multitude of children out. It felt intrinsically out of place to order a child like a Big Mac from Mc. D's. In my opinion, I think it's wrong to be able to choose a gender. We don't do that in utero....why would we want to do it elsewhere? (The strong desire for girls and infants has, in many areas, turned adoption in to child trafficking. Here is a good article talking of this very issue: http://www.slate.com/id/2093899/ ).

Yes, we are open to imperfection, but it was very sobering to see and realize that there are some conditions that we felt we either couldn't (or didn't want to) handle. I pray for the children we ruled out. Every child deserves a home with a family to which they belong. I pray that those children are chosen by parents that see their challenges worth taking on. Lord forgive us for our limitations on this issue. HIV+ is where our tiny bit of courage is now. Prepare us in the future to be even more courageous than we are presently.

What is it with adoption that you feel that your hunger to "help" is never satiated? I don't know that we will ever feel we are doing enough....we have opened Pandora's box by even considering, learning about and pursuing adoption. I know that when we go over to the country from which we will be adopting, that we will see all these children that need homes......we will be stupefied with the magnitude of how little our one adoption is doing. We are doing all we can as a family. But dear friends, dear Christians, we are not doing enough. Following are some interesting statistics I gained through another blogger by the name of Tiffany Dahlman (http://www.lighted-path.net/article2_DarkestClouds.html) :

I was reading some adoption blogs lately and came across an interesting fact in a post that is circulating. I looked it up, did the math myself (risky, I know....) and found it to be true.

Here it is:

-There are 143 million orphans in the world, according to UNICEF.

-There are 2 billion people who consider themselves Christian in the world, according to government censuses.

-All of these Christians are adopted, according to the Bible:

14For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. 15For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, "Abba! Father!" 16The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God, 17and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him. Romans 8:14-17

However, less than half of the 143 million orphans are adoptable because of insufficient paperwork (birth and death records, for example), religious laws forbidding adoption to Christian families (Muslim orphans), poor relations between the US and the orphan's government (Burma), or lack of a transparent adoption system in place to guarantee ethical adoption (Cambodia).

Therefore, if only 7% of the 2 billion people who claim to believe in their adoption into God’s family through Christ -7% of those people- chose to adopt ONE child, all 143 million of the world's orphans would have a permanent safe home and a family to call their own! And since this is unrealistic because of the above listed reasons, if only THREE-yes- 3% of the world's Christians adopted ONE child- ALL adoptable orphans would have a permanent safe home and a forever family.

WHAT?! That's all it would take?!

Disclaimer: I firmly believe that not everyone is called to adopt, Christian or not. But I also firmly believe that, at the very least, 3% of 2 billion Christians have been given this calling, especially since scripture defines the mark of pure Christianity as caring for orphans (see below)! It's simply a matter of obeying the call and returning the enormous gift of adoption that God has given us to a child who needs a home.

Turns out some of the world's problems are easily fixed. Peace in the middle east? I have no idea. But the orphan crisis??? This one should be easy.

27Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. James 1:27.

Glitch

After much prayer and deliberation, we have decided to back track.

It looks as though we are having to get our home study re-done. The director of the home study agency has proven to be fairly difficult and hard to work with. She has been resistant to making corrections or changes to the current home study that our placement agency is requiring as well as being argumentative with the director of our placement agency. When I inquired about her decision to restrict us to just one child, she began to question our ability to even take care one child because of the size of our family and our decision to delay our vaccinations for our youngest children. She told us that this was an obvious sign of our being "over-extended". In my heart, I know she is dead wrong.....she wasn't even the one who interviewed us. The home study of us didn't reflect any concerns of this nature. In fact, the home study made us look as if we could take on the entire world's orphan population until it said we could only handle one child. Her questionable reputation is gaining momentum as we have been informed that other clients are fleeing her services due to her bad attitude. Apparently, I am not the only one.

We need a team player in this adoption, not a road block.

The director of my placement agency worked her rear end off trying to locate another agency that could provide better services and not be so combative towards me nor her. Yes, extra money and extra time....but we have to do this right. The new home study agency director is amazing and says that she can get our home study done in two weeks since we have all the documents ready and have been through the "process" already.

We will be starting the dossier document prep. stage this coming week. As long as things are moving forward, I am content......although, faster wouldn't hurt.

I am antsy. I am so eager to put a face or faces to our new family members. I know you can hear me Lord, please take care of them and reassure them in ways only you can. Whisper to them.....that we will come soon. Prepare their hearts for healing.......and prepare ours as well. We are coming......

The Tide Has Changed

It always amazes me how a situation can change in an instant.

If you read my post titled "Less Than", I spoke of our home study agency (H.A.) restricting us to only being able to adopt one child. There was nothing in our home study that raised red flags on our ability or means to provide for more than one child. This decision was handed down solely due to the size of our family. Unsubstantiated bias is what ruled here. Honestly, some wind went out of my sails when I found this out....but I was grateful that at least we had been approved to adopt a child. But, at the same time, I knew we could handle more if we were allowed to. I really felt that since the Lord was behind the whole adoption, that He was even involved in the decisions that didn't quite make sense as well.

Yesterday, I spoke with our placement agency (P.A.). After reviewing our recently submitted home study from the H.A., the coordinator said that our family was really best suited to take on a sibling set! Ha! Here was an agency that was really looking at our family and not relying on a prejudice or statistic! I am sorry, but this is just amazing to me. The P.A. felt that if we only adopted one child, that the child would feel isolated and very different in our family. They also felt that having a sibling would ease the adjustment for the adopted children as well as give a sense of home that is always there as opposed to only having a distant memory of "what was". I have always believed this as well, and this was the main reason why adopting a sibling set was so attractive to me.

This is where the battle begins between the H.A. and the P.A. The H.A wants us to adopt only one child and the P.A. wants us to adopt more than one child. Unfortunately, we are in the middle of a tug-o-war and we have requested for the H.A. to lift the restriction of only being able to adopt one child. It may end up that we will have to obtain another home study from another provider in order to be able to adopt a sibling set.

Pray for us. Minutes ago, I sent a letter to the H.A. stating that we would like the restriction to be lifted or to give us a refund of our fees. This policy of "restricting how many children may be adopted due to family size" was never, ever disclosed to us verbally or in writing before we paid our home study fee. Had we known, we would have not hired this particular agency to do our home study.

So people, the tide is changing and I will keep you posted as to the response I get.